My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 155

Good morning!! I didn’t sleep all that great, but I feel good. I’m tired, but I feel good. But it’s going to be okay. Today is an exciting day. I get to go to church with Barry. I am so glad. I’m very excited. I’m very very excited. If I could bounce off the walls I would. The thought of seeing him today got me through work last night. Last night was rough, but I made it. Nate is getting on my nerves though. But you know what it’s okay. Him and Sara both are getting on my nerves. I’m past the point of caring anymore. I’m just going to pray for them and just go on. I can’t help them. I can’t either of them if they don’t tell me what the problem is especially Sara. I know something is wrong, but I just can’t put my finger on it. But like I said I can’t help her if she doesn’t tell me what the problem is. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. I tried and it doesn’t work.

I still have a cold, but it’s slowly coming out. I’m feeling better. I’m still glowing from my phone call with my mom. I’m so excited to see her tomorrow. I miss her so much. I’m going to talk with her about Barry. I just don’t think moving is a good idea right now. I don’t think it’s a good idea for a lot of reasons. I just don’t want her to think it’s all about Barry because it’s not. He’s one of the many reasons yes, but he’s not the only reason. I thought about it last night and I’m like why did myself further in the hole then I’m already in. That doesn’t make any sense. It’s stupid really. I don’t know. I have to find a job that makes as much money as I do right now and actually more if I want to pay half of everything. It just doesn’t seem very smart to me to move and put myself further in the hole just to get out of here. I’m getting my act together and everything is fine. I need to get out of the outlet where I work. I need to get out of that Goodwill store. I can’t take it anymore. I really can’t. I’ve done my best and I can’t do anything else so I’m leaving. I’m also leaving because then Barry and I are free to date without any problems, issues, or drama. I can’t wait. I just need to find another job. I told my mom the point/the goal is to get my massage license and then I won’t have to do this other stuff. That’s the end result. For me that’s been the goal all along I just got side tracked.

I still haven’t heard from Tyler. I haven’t said anything else to him and I won’t. I need to focus on myself. I can’t deal with him and his stuff right now. He’s always got something going on in his life and some sort of drama. I just can’t handle it. I need to get myself straightened out. I just do. He might be distancing himself because he needs to focus on himself as well. That’s fine. We need a break. I think it’s best considering everything that’s happened. One day I’ll talk to Michael and we can talk about what I wrote to Tyler in the email and everything will be fine. I kind of wonder if he and Tyler broke up. I had this thought the other day that they did because Tyler was cheating on him with Adam. I know that sounds crazy and it is, but the last time I had a thought was about Barry and me taking him home and look what happened. I ended up taking Barry home from work and looks what happened. You never know is all I’m saying. I love Michael, but I just don’t think he’s very suited for Tyler, but that’s my opinion. I honestly would love it if Tyler and Adam would give it a second chance, but a girl can only hope. Even though I’m not BI anymore I still struggle with my feelings and I still have a deep love for the LGBT community and I still want my friends and family who are apart of that community to be happy. I come at not from the religious aspect, but from a aspect of love and respect because for a time I struggled and I came out and I know what someone goes through who wants to come out, but is scared to do so. I learned a lot from my coming out and I will never take that back. Even though I struggled. I did come out and it was hard. I enjoyed my time as a BI woman and I will never forget the lessons I learned. You know the strangest part. God helped me. God helped me through all that. He really did. He didn’t leave me. He stood right there with me not in person obviously, but he was right there with me through the whole thing. I’m so happy. I’m so glad he was. He helped me to work through my doubts and look where I am now. God is the one who deserves the credit. Without him I can do nothing. Don’t worry I’m not going to start preaching. I don’t want to do that. I want to be a witness and a testimony for someone else. I don’t want to preach. That will just push people further away. It really will.

So that’s all for now and I will talk to you guys later. I have to go and get ready. I love you and we’ll talk soon. I’ll keep you guys updated on everything. I love you!

Love you guys so much,

Kathleen