My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 14

I am overwhelmed by the comments and the loved I received from my blog posts yesterday. Thank you so much for your support, encouragement, and love. I truly appreciate you.

Yesterday was a great day. I felt like I was on cloud nine. I was worried that my mom would be there yesterday when Michael and I went to pick up my stuff, but she wasn’t. Michael and I got in and out of there in ten minutes and got home. I was so happy. She left me another message and I deleted it. I told Tyler that I did that and you know what I feel good about it. It’s  not my life anymore. I’m not going to stop everything I’m doing to help her or to answer her phone messages. No! No, No and No. That’s not me. That’s not my life anymore. I’m so proud of myself. I am on my way to healing. I’m so happy. I just felt like I was high even though I wasn’t really. I just felt so good. I felt very lovely. Holly came over last night and hung out. Holly is a friend of Tyler and Michael’s and I love her. She’s so beautiful and very attractive. Her husband is a lucky man. She’s just a very sweet person and she’s hip and just fucking awesome. Tyler was tired so he went to bed. I went to subway and got dinner. I stayed up and wrote and then went to bed. Overall it was a great day.

Today I am heading back to work. I’m closing with Shannon. This should be interesting. What’s really interesting is I’m closing by myself on Tuesday and Wednesday. God help us all. I’m not cooking anything after Robin leaves. I will just sell drinks and snacks and if anyone complains then let them. I don’t care. I can’t cook and serve others too. I can’t be in two places at once. This will be the ultimate test to see if I can close by myself. But today is Saturday and I will focus on today and today only. I move forward one day at a time. I will not be anxious about another day because that day has not arrived yet and it might not arrive. Today is today and who knows what today will hold. I’m very excited for what today will hold because it’s a new day. I’m going to do another application today. I might do more than one we’ll see. Tomorrow will be my day of rest. I will find a full-time position. I will and I will be happy with it. I know I will. I feel it all the way down to my soul. It’s an awesome feeling.

Have a great day everyone. Happy Saturday to you. I’ll update you soon.

Love you guys to the moon and back and be happy with who you are,

Kathleen

 

 

“Broke Down”

I wrote this “poem” while I was laying down yesterday. I was sick with a migraine and I asked my roommates and their friends to keep it down because I wasn’t feeling well. After I went back into my room after talking to them. I laid down in my bed and I started to cry. Here is what I wrote:

“Broke Down”

I broke down. It was just me. I was all by myself. There was no one to hold me. It was just me.

I broke down and I cried. I let everything go. It was just me. I let all my feelings go. I let go of thirty years of repressed feelings. I let go of being made to be something I’m not. I let go of made to feel like shit all the time.

I broke down and cried and now I feel much lighter. And now I feel much better.

Love you guys,

Kathleen

 

My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 13

Thank God it’s Friday!! How are you guys this morning?! I’m doing good. Oh man what a day yesterday. I started out and I was good and then it all went downhill from there. I took a walk and I said goodbye to my mother. I meditated and went into the house. I took a nap and then I got a migraine and then I got mail from my mom. She also called me. It all went downhill from there. I was laying down in my room and Tyler, Michael, Amy, and a friend of Michael and Tyler came over and spent the night. They were making so much noise I couldn’t sleep. I asked them nicely to keep it down and then I went into my room. I started to cry. I just broke down and I cried. I needed to. I started to go back to my old ways and start doubting myself and I actually stopped myself from doing it. I truly found healing yesterday. I actually wrote a poem in my head. I’ll share it with you guys once I write down. It basically talked about me and how it was just me by myself and I just broke down and cried. It felt good. I woke up later and Tyler and I talked about it. He and I just talked it was so nice. I think the healing has begun and more is to come.

Today I’m heading to Asheboro to get the rest of my stuff. I’ll give you the short version. My mom is moving out and I have to get my stuff. Michael is going with me. I’m so glad he is. He’s so supportive and super sweet. I just love him. I’m glad he’s going with me. There is a chance my mom is going to be there, but that’s okay. I am ready. I am ready to face it and get it over with it. Because after today I won’t ever have to go back there. I’m so excited for that. I’m in my own story and she is not included in my story right now. Michael and I had this really honest conversation the other day and everything he said is so true. It really is. I just love him. I am in a space where I loved and respected. I am told that someone is proud of me and most of all I feel safe. It’s an awesome feeling. I also learning a big lesson yesterday. I need to start taking better care of myself. I really do. I started exercising and I need to eat since I am exercising.

I did a couple of applications yesterday and I may do like one or two today. I’ll see. I’ll keep you updated on everything. I head back to work tomorrow. I’m working straight through till next Wednesday now. Robin asked me to work four hours on Monday. I told her I would. I’m going to need the money. Ally is the company that I pay my car loan too and they didn’t approve for me to put the car in my name so I’m going to go through SECU instead. But when I’m ready I will do that and not before.

Have a great day and a great weekend. I love you guys so much. Thank you for your support, encouragement, and your love.

Kathleen

My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 12

Oh man. Today is a new day. I’m ready for it.

I was really struggling yesterday. I had a lot going on in my head. I had a lot of shit I was sorting through yesterday. I learned an important lesson. All the obstacles I am facing in my life are inside of me. They are in my head. Mentally I am not ready. I am not ready for a lot of things. Moving to Winston didn’t fix that. It’s not going to fix a lot of things. I have to take each day and deal with each day. Tyler, Michael, and I had dinner last night and they both said what they were thankful for. I said I was thankful for friends who let you process your shit without judgement. At first I didn’t have anything to be grateful for, but then I realized that they let me process stuff and they don’t pressure me. They don’t check on me every minute and keep asking. They ask and then if I don’t want to talk they back off. They let me cry. They let me have moments to myself. They let me do what I need to do. I’ve never had that before. I cry as I write this part because it’s so beautiful. It’s so wonderful. It’s so amazing and so many other things. It’s just awesome. It feels good to open and honest about it and share it with you guys. I was journaling last night and I’m tired of staying silent. I’m tired of people making me feel guilty about things and me letting myself feel guilty. I am done. I am not doing that anymore. I am not staying silent anymore. I will share about my verbal abuse. I will share it with those who are ready to hear it and I want to encourage others that they are not victims they are survivors. They are these beautiful people who are loved and supported by all those around them. I was verbally abused by mom. I guess she thought it was okay. She would just lash out at me for things I didn’t do and things I couldn’t control. She would make me feel guilty about stuff, but no more. I am walking away from her and our relationship. Someday maybe I’ll be able to forgive her and we have our relationship back, but for now I have to walk away. I have to walk away for me. I am still in my story. I am the heroine and the protagonist of my story reaching for the light. I am still writing my story. I am moving forward. Like I said I will take one day at a time and one day I will find healing and I will be a better person for it. I’ve never taken the easy road. I want things to be easy. Sure I do. We all do. Who doesn’t? But I have a family here. I have my “blog” family who loves me and supports me and encourages me just when I need it. I am so grateful for that.

Betty. You know who you are. Thank you for reaching out yesterday. You are the sweetest person on the face of this earth. Thanks for your support from the beginning and encouraging me. You are my rock and you are my dearest friend. I will treasure you and cherish your words that you said to me. I will take them with me as I move forward and look back on them when I am facing my bad and really shitty days.

Thanks to all my readers, followers, and friends. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you guys. My love for you is beyond words.

Today is a big day. I have a lot do. I am going to look up a number for the job on Craigslist and start other applications. I will be going to the gym at some point and swimming today. I need to get out of the house. I am happy. I am free. I am no longer silent about my verbal abuse. I am not a victim.  I am also calling Home Depot about another position as well. I’ll keep you guys updated on everything. We are also getting our hot water turned on. Finally. I’m so excited.

I hope everyone has a great day and remember you are beautiful. You are beautiful to me if to no one else. Have a great day. I love you guys so much….

Kathleen

My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 11

Good morning. Oh man what a morning it has been. So I told you guys about this job thing I found on Craigslist. Well I went to check it out this morning and it ended up being a wild goose chase. I’ve learned my lesson. I will never do that again. I am so glad that I knew where I was and that I didn’t get lost. I will never again let someone make me feel guilty for not checking out a job or anything for that matter.

Home Depot contacted me for another job. I’m going to see if it’s full-time. If not I’m not interested. I have a list of jobs I’ve researched and I’m going to start applying to those. I’m very excited about that. I have to work today, but I’m off for the next two days. I’m very excited about that. I also started exercising yesterday. I did four laps in the swimming pool at the YMCA. I’m very excited about that. I’m going to go early Thursday and Friday morning. I can’t go tonight. I’m going to a meditation service with the boys hopefully. We’ll see. I am going to ask Amy my other roommate if I can borrow her car and I think Michael and I will be heading to Asheboro tomorrow or Friday. So here’s the story. My mom is moving out and I have to have my stuff out by March 31st so I’m trying to find someone who’s car or truck I can borrow so I can get my stuff. I’m also bringing back my massage table, my coffee table, and some other smaller items. I’m so glad that I can get my stuff and get out of there. I don’t want to go back, but I have to. I won’t have anywhere to store it. My mom is moving in with my oldest sister and her husband. I’m glad she is in a way. She’s a lot closer to town and she’s not back there by herself. But I told Tyler I’m not getting involved in my mom’s moving and stuff. It’s none of my business what she does. My mom and I are not speaking. Well let me put this way. I’m not speaking to her. After the verbal abuse I received I’m just not ready to talk to her. I’m not ready to forgive her. I want to, but I’m hurt. She doesn’t know or doesn’t care. I haven’t decided which, but I’m just hurt. When I’m ready I’ll forgive her till then I will keep my distance and not speak to her right now which hurts me. She’s my mom and I love her. She was my best friend. She was the one I could count on and that’s what hurts the most.

Well that’s all for now. I’ll keep you guys posted on the job stuff. I’ll let you know what happens about me and moving my stuff as well. This should be interesting.

Have a great day. I love you guys,

Kathleen

My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 10

Good morning! Listening to my favorite boy band ever Backstreet boys. I love these guys! Always there when I need them. I was going to check out the job this morning, but that just didn’t happen. It’s all good. There are plenty of jobs. I am going to just research today and tomorrow and make notes of the ones I want to apply to. I’m going to check out the other job on Thursday. I’m off that day so I’ll check that out. So I am doing my blog and journaling and all that lovely stuff. I started writing the sequel for my first book Fear of Abandonment and I’m working on writing and editing The Walking Mob and I edited Fear of Abandonment a little. I’m taking Sundays off to write my books. I talked with Tyler and Michael. I have to head back to Asheboro. It’s a long story. My mom is moving out and I have to get my furniture I left behind out of the house before the 1st of next month. My mom wants to be out of there by then so Chris and her have to move quickly. They have plenty of room for her stuff no place to store mine which is fine I don’t expect them too. I have to talk to Amy and see if she will let me borrow her car so I can get my desk. I’m thinking if everything will fit then I will just take Amy’s car and not mine, but Michael and I were discussing it and he thinks I should still take my car. He said it was something to think about and I will. I have to work today. I’m closing again which is fine. At this point I may be leaving soon so I don’t care about whether I close or not. I will find a full-time position soon and then I’ll give my two weeks notice to Robin. I hate to do that since I just started there, but it’s just not working out for me there and I personally believe I bit off a little more than I could chew on this one, but it was a great springboard to get me to Winston. I have some money coming from the school still and my first paycheck from Tanglewood is coming too. I have to talk to Tyler about when rent’s due and all that at some point. I’m added to the family plan at the YMCA which is nice. I got to take a shower there yesterday. We still don’t have hot water, but today the plumber is coming so I’m excited about that. So when I do my budget I have to add that YMCA membership to my budget. It’s only 20 bucks a month so I’m not complaining. Oh I got my period Sunday. Oh my god. What a thought. I’m very emotional and I’m trying to keep myself in check, but it’s been hard. Today should be a busy day. It’s going to be nice and sunny. It’s going to be 78 degrees. I’m so excited. I work with Robin today. I’m going to seek her out and ask for feedback and see how she thinks things are going. We’ll see how this goes. I’m kind of nervous, but oh well.

I decided not to call Home Depot about the job I interviewed for. I also decided not to interview for another position they emailed me about. They are part-time positions and I really want full-time so there is no point in interviewing for them.

On the whole I am happy. I am free and I am loved and respected, and I am safe. I love my life here and I told Tyler I really want to make things work. I truly believe in what’s going on here and I finally feel like I belong somewhere. I know my purpose and I am happy. I’m just having a tough time with my mom. She called me Sunday. I haven’t called her back. I talked to my dad a little bit. I didn’t tell him about the verbal abuse I received. He advised me to forgive her. I want to, but I’m not ready to do that just yet. I know I will, but I’m not ready yet. It’s been hard for me, but I’ve been talking about the verbal abuse. I’ve told a few people like Tyler and Michael and stuff, but I told Randy who is going to be living on the property. He’s a complete stranger, but I told him and I felt so good about that. He didn’t judge me or anything. He listened and I felt supported. It was awesome.

That’s all for now. I’ll keep you updated. Have a great day everyone!

I love you guys so much. Thanks for your encouragement, support, and most of all your love,

Kathleen

My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 9

Good morning. Oh man. I had a rough morning getting up. The breaker went out so I had no heat in my room for a couple of hours and I had no light either. But Michael showed me where the breaker was so I could flip the switch and turn everything back on so I’m happy about that. I am also going to be added to Tyler and Michael’s family plan so I can shower today with them at YMCA. I need a shower. I didn’t shower yesterday. Oh man. Yesterday wasn’t too bad at work. We were busy, but it came in spurts, in waves. I got a 11 dollars in tips which was nice. I’m rather excited about that part. Hoping tomorrow is a busy day at work too.

So Tyler, Michael, and I met with Randy. Randy wants to live on the property and he’s so awesome. I love him. I’m looking forward to him living on the property. He’s a very sweet guy and just plain awesome. So we voted him into living on the property. I’m very excited. He’s very much into what we are doing on the farm. I feel so glad to have him apart of our community. Greg’s party was a success and I met some really nice people. I didn’t feel well so I went to my room and had some tea and went to bed.

Today I am planning out next week and I’m going to do some job hunting. I talked to Tyler and I am going to find a full-time job somewhere. I’m going to cast a wider net and take my time and find something. I really need something full-time with benefits. I love my job at Tanglewood, but I have to think about my future long -term and the part-time is not going to cut it. I’m tired of building someone else’s dreams. I need to start building my own. I heard this quote three time in one week and I think it’s someone or something trying to tell me something.

So I never heard from Home Depot about the job I interviewed for, but they contacted me for another interview. I’m like what the fuck, but I’m going to see what it’s all about.

So that’s all for now. I’ll keep you guys posted.

Have a great day everyone!!

I love you guys so much,

Kathleen