I know right? It’s a weird title. It’s very confusing I’m sure. Why are you posting about loneliness? I’m posting about it because here is my safe place where I can talk about it. Because this is the place where I am truly loved and accepted by others, who believe me when I speak and love me no matter what. Because this is the place where I feel I can truly be myself and be understood by others around me. I was listening to a sermon by Pastor Furtick. If you have Facebook please check out his page. He’s a wonderful pastor and a lot of his sermons have been speaking to me today. I think God is speaking to me. I was listening to one this evening about being lonely. For many years I have felt alone. I felt like I was all alone. Even with other people around, I felt alone. Sometimes it would just creep up on me and I didn’t even know when it was coming. I didn’t understand it. Why do I feel this way I would say to myself. I’m loved. I have family and friends that love me, but now I know why I am alone. I am alone because I don’t go along with the mainstream and think that what people do is okay. I don’t like people who bully others. I don’t like people who call other people out because they are gay. I don’t like it when people beat each other, rape each other, hurt children, and so much more. I don’t like the jokes that people say that I don’t get. I don’t like it when I’m not included in the conversation, but then they want to talk over me or everyone but me, but I’m not included in the conversation. I’m tired of being called ugly, unwanted, unloved, fat, that I’m not good enough. I’m tired of being a leader, but I am being forced to be a follower of something I don’t believe in. My shame is keeping me, prisoner. It truly is and every time I try to break free I am forced back into my cell and not allowed out. I feel like the Apostle Paul in the Bible. Many times he was put in jail for sharing Christ’s message. I feel like him I’m just not free like he is. I felt this feeling tonight. I couldn’t shake it. I shared with my mother that I was taking another job, but my mother was not happy for me. She didn’t say to me, “Oh Kate I’m so proud of you. That’s great.” She didn’t say any of that. She didn’t even hug me. I knew she wasn’t going to like it, but damn. Can’t you just be happy for your daughter? I know she’s my mom and she wants what’s best for me. But these are the moments when I really want and need her to be on my side and she ain’t. These are the times when I need to stay at a friend’s house for a few days, but I can’t. These are the times when I want to move out and get a place of my own. These are the times I want to throw up my hands in the air and say, “I’m done.” I wanted to be angry, mad, and I wanted to yell at her, but I didn’t. I defended myself the best I could, but she didn’t care. She didn’t see it. She didn’t see what she said hurt me because I didn’t show it. I feel like I’m nothing, but a disappointment to her. I feel like I did when my dad said to me that he was going to put me on a diet when I went to Florida in 2018. She doesn’t see all the growth I have experienced or what has happened to me. I don’t want to feel this way. I hate it. I felt like dog poop. I feel like I don’t have a voice. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t.
As I was listening to the message I started to cry. I actually went back and listened to the beginning again because I was hoping I wouldn’t cry again, but I also wanted to listen to what Pastor Furtick said. I cried and I cried so hard my lip was quivering. I realized that I don’t have to be ashamed anymore. Maybe, just maybe God is preparing me to be a leader and he’s preparing me for what I am about to do I just don’t know what that is yet. Maybe, just maybe God has told me what he wants me to do, I just haven’t got there yet. I have to drop my shame and my feeling of loneliness because I can’t take it with me into what He wants me to do next. Now here comes the part where my “religious friends” would say, “No that’s not right. You didn’t hear from God. He doesn’t speak that way. You need to just pray and stay in the mess you’re in and everything will work out.” They supposedly say that because they care. Well, I’m here to tell you. No, they don’t care because they are the friends who left me when I needed them most and have helped me to stay a prisoner to my shame and my loneliness. I won’t listen to them anymore. God speaks to people in different ways. He speaks to them in different ways to get the message across for one, but secondly, He speaks to people differently because everybody’s relationship with God is different. My relationship with God is different than yours. We don’t always have the same things happen to us. God is doing something different with each of us. I truly believe we all have a purpose and not everybody’s purpose is the same. I have finally figured out my purpose and I have finally figured out what I want to do with my life and I want to start doing it. But my shame and loneliness are holding me back. The opinions of others are holding me back and I am in prison. I am a prisoner. I’m not free. I’m screaming to get out. I have realized what is going on and I’m getting out. I’m out of my prison cell and I’m running for dear life. I don’t want to be a prisoner. I’m going to be okay. God is speaking to me and I know that. Without a shadow of a doubt he is speaking and I’m going to keep listening.
If you are feeling ashamed and lonely just know you are not alone. I’m here. God is here for you. I encourage you to listen to his message on Facebook. It’s very empowering and powerful stuff. Be ready to cry because it’s that powerful. I’m on a journey of healing and you can too.
I have healed so many things lately and this is just another one. I lay down my shame and my loneliness at the foot of the Cross tonight and I leave it there. God take it because you didn’t die for me to feel ashamed of myself or lonely. I leave it and I will walk away.
Always in Love,