My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 109

Good morning my loves, How are you?! I’m tired, but I’m good. I feel the same fire I did yesterday. I don’t feel the anxiousness I did before. I feel different. I feel a weight has been lifted from me. I am loving it. It’s so wonderful. I am working today. I work the mid-shift. I’m just glad I don’t have to close. Not only did we make goal yesterday we went way over and I’m so glad. It will show that I am worth keeping on and maybe they will see that I need a raise. I hope at the end of my 3 months I not only get to keep my job, but I get a raise and it would be great to move up to Assistant Manager, but we’ll see that. You never know. I’m not giving up on that so easily. I’m going to work hard. I found my day yesterday at work not to be so hard. I just decided to be myself. Not everyone has to know everything about me. The customers don’t really care about me and my doubts and who I am. They are just concerned about making sure they get stuff to look through. So I can do my part to do that and do my job to the best of my ability. I go in everyday with that mindset and throw myself into my job and do my best. I can’t do anymore than that. I found that I didn’t have to work so hard to make goal yesterday. It was an awesome feeling. I love it. I made a mistakes last night, but I called and asked for help and yes I didn’t get out on time, but the problem had to be fixed for the next day. That’s a big sign of growth. I would never have done that. I would have, but I think I would have felt bad for asking for help. I don’t like to ask for help, but I have to. I have to know these things in order for me to move up in the company. Sara, Nelva, and Nate want to help me succeed and I will let them because they actually care about me. My other co-workers are awesome too. They are all helpers in my journey; my path and I am loving it. I am excited to rebuild my life once again. I am also happy to be able to inspire others. I doubted for a long time of whether I could or not, but knowing that I have and that I can has helped me so much. It has freed me from a life I was in chains for for 31 years. So thank you for setting me free from that Miss Bethany. You are truly an inspiration to me as well. I’m going to enjoy us rebuilding our lives together. I can’t wait to see what happens on your journey; your path.

I’m getting excited. I’m planning my vacation in August. I am earning some vacation time so I’m going to use it and go see my dad in Florida for his 64th birthday. I’m so excited. I’m also excited because I have an opportunity to earn some extra money. You guys know that I used to clean the bathroom at the farm, but now that’s over so it’s possible that my other friend Adam may want me to clean his bathroom. I’m going to text him about it and see if he’s still interested. I’m thinking if he will let me do that then I could put that money in savings and have money for my trip in August for gas and such or I could use it to pay back Tyler, or whatever. It’s wonderful. I’m very excited about it. I’ll keep you posted. I’m hoping that since I’m asking off for it now that I will get the time off. I really want to go and see my dad. I’m very excited for that. I know 65 is the big milestone and it should be celebrated. I’m not saying it shouldn’t be, but my dad has suffered a lot. He’s sacrificed a lot. He’s my hero, my biggest fan, and my cheerleader. He loves me without limits or conditions. He’s been my biggest supporter and encourager especially with my move to Winston. He asked questions, but he did it from a place of love and respect. I love that. 64 years is something to be celebrated. I love that man. I love him so much. I only wish he knew how much. I could list everything my dad has done and has sacrificed and suffered for me and our family. But I won’t. I will say this. He was always the victim of Verbal abuse and manipulation because of my mother and he’s made something of his life. Now I see where I get it from. I used to hate that we were so much alike, but now I love it because it has helped me to see that I can rebuild my life and make something of myself. That’s why celebrating his 64th birthday is so important to me and it is something that should be celebrated. I would really love to treat him for his birthday, but we’ll see.

Well that’s all for now. I love you guys and we’ll talk soon. Have a great day and kick some fucking awesome ass today. I know I will.

Love you guys,

Kathleen

My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 108

Good morning my loves!!! How are you?!! I’m so good. I’m happy. I’m taking my life back. I’m rebuilding it once again. I have found the strength to do so. I loved Bethany’s post this morning about Rebuilding. If you haven’t read it. Please do it’s a wonderful post. Bethany’s a wonderful writer and she is an awesome, sweet, talented, and a beautiful person. Her blog is about her story. Please take the time to read it. Bethany I just want to say I’m so proud of you!! I love you!!

So as I stated I’m taking my life back. I’m taking back my power and taking responsibility for myself. I don’t have all the answers, but I know who I am and I won’t let anyone make doubt myself. Not anymore. I am a Heroine. I wrote my piece about it. Thanks to those who read it and liked it and commented on it. I’m a Heroine for so many reasons not just for the ones I wrote. I’m single and free. I am beautiful, loving, talented, smart, caring, kind, wonderful, amazing, awesome, hopeful, peaceful, feels shit deeply, and so much more. If people can’t accept me then fuck them. Fuck them all. Fuck the world and society. Fuck all of it. I have my family and my friends. I have those around me that love me and support me. I have those around me I can have open and honest conversations with and that I can share my deepest darkest secrets and my private innermost thoughts with and not be judged. I don’t have to tell everyone everything. I don’t have to share things I don’t want to share. I don’t have to be something I’m fucking not. I can go into work today even though I’m scared and do what I need to do because that’s what I’ve hired to do. I can also go into work today scared shitless, but I can have an awesome day and I can be happy and not let others and their energy get to me. I can separate myself from that. I can because one I have the power to do that and second I am strong and I am powerful. I am determined. I can do anything I set my mind to. I can accomplish anything I set out to do. I’m so proud of myself. I’m so tired of being wishy washy about things. I just need to be open and honest and just say how I feel. I need to stop being afraid. I don’t have to worry about anything. I don’t have to be afraid. My mom… She taught me to worry. She taught me to be afraid and never enjoy life well I don’t have her in my life anymore feeding that worry and that fear. I don’t have her judgement. I don’t have her negative attitude and making me feel like shit. I don’t have her verbal abuse and manipulation in my life. I’m fighting. I’m fighting back. Watch out because I will set someone on fire. I’m fiery, fiesty, and full of life. But I’m also like the water I’m flowy, balanced, peaceful, and loving. I can move mountains. I can do anything. I feel that I can do anything and love anybody and everything (even though I already do).

I want to say a big thank you to my family on this blog. You guys aren’t just my friends. I don’t consider you friends. I consider you my family because you are. You aren’t blood family, but I’m building my own family now. I want family that loves me and accepts me and is going to be there for me and see the darkest parts of me and not run away. I have found that on this blog. I have been directed to the people who I need in my life and I’m so glad you guys are apart of that. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for your love, support, encouragement, and always being there for me to lean on and allowing me to lean on your strength when I need it. Thank you for always posting beautiful pieces that help me to be a better person. I love you guys so fucking much.

Have a great day today. Heading to work to close tonight and I will not be afraid even though I am scared shitless, but I will do what needs to be done and I will not regret anything. I am loved. I am supported and I am free to be whatever I need to be. I love you and we’ll talk soon.

Love you guys,

Kathleen

“I Am A Heroine”

I Am A Heroine was written yesterday at Immateria and has made me realize that there needs to be a sequel to My Life In My Own Words.  I hope you enjoy it.

“I Am A Heroine”

I am a Heroine because I’m strong.

I am a Heroine because I accept my past, my present, and my future.

I am a Heroine because I am loving, kind, and caring.

I am a Heroine because I love others and accept them for who they are, but I can also accept myself.

I am a Heroine because I can ask for help.

I am a Heroine because I can rely on my own strength, but on the strength of others when I need it.

I am a Heroine because I write my own story.

I am a Heroine because I am light, love, and hope for myself and others.

I am a Heroine because I can find balance in the things I need to find balance in.

I am a Heroine because I am right where I need to be.

I am a Heroine because I want to be not because someone else wants me to be.

I am a Heroine because I am loving, funny, kind, and charming.

I am a Heroine because I’m the creator and master of my own destiny.

I am a Heroine because I choose what’s right and what’s wrong for me.

I am a Heroine because things are actually easy, but I make them hard so others will feel sorry for me so I will stay stuck. (This is a real truth I discovered about myself and this is big for me to admit it. I’m very proud of myself for admitting it.)

I am a Heroine because I don’t want to stay stuck.

I am a Heroine because I’m fiery, fiesty, and full of life.

I am a Heroine because I’m passionate, loving, kind, and compassionate.

I am a Heroine because I just am.

I am a Heroine because I just fucking want to be.

I am a Heroine because I choose to be me and I choose to write my own story and chase my dreams.

I am a Heroine because I’m powerful and strong and yes I’ve been dealt a lot of shit, but I’ve worked through it and I still am so I can be the best me possible, the best Heroine possible.

I want to be the Heroine. I want to be Heroine of my own story and I AM……

Love you guys. Can’t wait for you to read it and see what you think. I found some great healing yesterday and it has really helped me.

 

My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 107

Good morning! Today is a good morning. I’m tired. I didn’t sleep well, but that’s okay. It’s Monday and I’m excited. I’m excited because I am going to Asheboro to get my phone turned on. I can’t wait to have a phone again. I’m off work today and after I get my phone done I’m going to the farm to clean the bathroom and then I’m going to get a bed. Corey Erba is giving me her old twin bed. It’s clean and it’s a lot more firm than mine. My twin bed is 8 plus years old. I need a new bed. I’ll be happy to take this one. I’m very excited.

I posted last night my book My Life In My Own Words is ready to be published. I’m just finishing the final touches. I’m putting the book together. I am going through a website called lulu.com and I am going to publish this book myself. I’m going to do my other book Fear of Abandonment that way too. I’m even considering a sequel for My Life In My Own words. I’m very excited.

I went to the farm yesterday and I went to immateria. I experienced some more healing and I offered a blessing and a prayer to the grandmother tree. I’m very happy and very excited. I stayed and had breakfast with Tyler, Michael, Amy, and Greg. I’m so happy to have this beautiful family in my life. Tyler and I talked a little bit yesterday about me and wanting to be a teacher assistant. He suggested I talk to Amy and I think that I will. I’m very excited. I also got a lot of cleaning down yesterday. I washed most of my dishes. I washed all my dishes that Tyler’s dad gave me and most of the ones that my sister Chris and her husband gave me. I am so glad I got that done and out of the way. The rest of the stuff Tyler’s dad gave me was blankets, sheets, towels, and etc. I’m going to take them to the laundry o mat at some point and wash them. I’m not in no hurry.

Well that’s all for now. I’ll keep you updated on everything. Today is a good day. Thanks for all the love, support, and encouragement yesterday. Having you guys to help me through these rough days makes my life so worthwhile.

Have a great day. I love you and we’ll talk soon. Take care.

Love you guys,

Kathleen

My Book is in the Works

Good news I finally got some time to work on my book. My life in My Own Words is soon to be published. I’m so excited. I’m going to work some more tomorrow. I’m even considering a sequel to this as well.

I’ll keep you posted. I’m so glad my hard work is finally paying off.

Good night everyone and I’ll see you here tomorrow morning.

Love you,

Kathleen

My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 106

I want to say good morning. I want to say it’s a good morning, but I can’t. I won’t lie to you. I will be open and honest. It’s not a good morning. I’m struggling. I’m crying and I’m falling apart. I want to do so much today. I have cleaning and stuff I have to do. My kitchen is a mess. There is so much stuff in there, but it is what it is. I’m struggling. I’m falling apart and I have to deal with that. I’m listening to my go to song when I’m struggling and that’s helping me. I’m also going to go back to the farm and go to immateria. Immateria is a place where I have let a lot of shit go and it’s this beautiful place. You have to be there to see it. I’ll have to take a picture sometime and show it to you because it’s a beautiful place. For me it’s a magical place where the magic happens. Like I said I’ve let a lot of shit go there. I feel safe there. I feel I can be myself there. There’s just something about it. I love it. It’s surrounded by trees and there’s creek there with this beautiful overgrowth of vines and leaves and such with a beautiful waterfall. Well it’s not really a waterfall, but that’s what it is to me. It’s just beautiful. The grandmother tree is there. The grandmother tree is very special to me. She looks over immateria and I’ve offered prayers and blessings to her and they have always helped me. Tyler’s grandmother was a big part of his life and my grandmother was a big part of my life so I think that fits very well. I think because of that the grandmother tree is why that tree is a big part of immateria and it’s the most beautiful thing about immateria among other things.

Work was rough yesterday. I had another customer complain about me to my boss Nelva. I’m thinking to myself: I just want to do my job. I’m tired of people asking me stupid questions that they have no business asking and that I don’t know the answers to. But I didn’t say that. Nelva and I had a heart to heart chat. It’s the most real she’s been with me. She’s usually very impersonal, but yesterday she was real with me. I couldn’t believe it. It was nice to see that side of her. She wants to help me. Her and Sara both are trying to help me move up in the company. It’s weird because I never said anything to them about wanting to be an assistant manager, but both of them have said something to me about it. Maybe I just give off that energy I don’t know. But Nelva noticed that I’m a hard worker. I’ve always been a hard worker. I’ve always had to work my ass off to impress the boss because if I didn’t I would never be considered for anything and because of my hard work I never was. But this feels different. I think Nelva is and I know Sara is for a fact because she told me, but I believe they both are satisfied with me and how I’m doing. They are both willing to come to me from a place of love and respect and tell me the truth in an open and honest way. They are willing to be vulnerable and help me when they see struggling. I’m crying as I write this because no one and I mean no one has ever done for me in job setting. None of my bosses wanted to help me succeed. They said they did, but they lied. Sara and Nelva both see my potential and they want me to succeed. They want to help me. I just have to be open and honest and let them help me. That’s not easy for me to do, but if I want to succeed you have to have an open heart and an open mind and learn to take the bad with the good. This is hard for me because I don’t like to ask for help and second I’ve never had anyone to want to help me succeed in the workplace, but also just help me to be a better person. They are both pushing me and challenging me, but from a place of love and respect. It’s almost like what Tyler does. Tyler is always challenging me,  but from a place of love and respect. I’m very grateful for Sara and Nelva. I’m surprised that I haven’t been fired. But there is a reason that I haven’t. I’m at goodwill for a purpose. I’m not sure what that purpose is, but I’m there. I just feel sometimes like today for instance that I’m so far from where I want to be. I have dreams and goals and then I get so busy with other things that I look and I’m so far where I want to be and I’m nowhere near where I really wanted to be. But maybe that’s because I’m right where I am supposed to be. But I don’t feel that way. Goodwill offered tuition help for those who are thinking about going back to school. You have to be full-time and you have to be there for six months. Well I’m full-time and my six month anniversary is November 8th. So I decided I’m going to go back to school. I’m going to go to the community college here in Winston. I want to get a degree and work with children. I would love to work for the state again. I want to work with the school system again, but as a teacher assistant. It’s something I’ve wanted to do and looked into before. The tuition help that Goodwill offers is 2,000 dollars and they also offer scholarships. I’ve done my research already and I know how long it will take me to complete the program. I have to stay with Goodwill for that long, but that’s okay. I think it will be worth it. Once I get my degree then I can use that and also have my massage therapy as well. I am looking at study for the test again and I’m going to pass it this time. I’m going to get what I need and help I need to the the MBLEx and pass it. Tyler has a friend who is a PA who I can ask questions if I need it. I might also get some other help as well. I’ll keep you posted on all of that. I just know that I don’t want to work for someone else my entire life. I want to start to begin to lay the groundwork to make a foundation for me to become a self-employed business owner.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for being there. Thanks for loving me. Thanks for letting me be open and honest with you. I hope that in all this that this inspires someone else. I want to give hope to you that even if you are struggling there is a life for you. Yes I am struggling today, but I am hopeful. I am beautiful, strong, brilliant, fantastic, charming, motivational, loved, adored, cherished, treasured, funny, and so on and you know what so are you…

Love you guys,

Kathleen

 

My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 105

Good morning. I had a rough day yesterday at work, but my phone arrived yesterday and that made my day. I’m so excited. I can’t wait to get it turned on. It’s going to be awesome. I’ll get a picture of it and I will post it so you guys can see it. I’m so excited. I would jump up and down, but with my foot I don’t think that’s a good idea.

I just want to say thank you for the likes, comments, and the outpour of love and support for my post from yesterday. I decided to write Tyler an email last night. I shared with him the post I posted to you guys yesterday. I don’t expect a response from him and I told him that. I told him that I just wanted to talk to him about this. I really appreciate you guys and for Tyler for letting me talk about these things that are on my heart and my mind especially on my mind. I feel much better since I got this off my chest.

I am opening this morning. I am going to do what I can. I’m so glad to be opening because I get off at four. My day will go by quick. It usually does when I open. I love it. I love to open for another reason. The other reason is that I’m only alone for a few hours in the morning instead of at night. There isn’t much going on in the morning. There’s usually a lot going on at night. I’m off tomorrow and Monday. I have a lot to do, but I’m very excited. I have a long to do list tomorrow, but I’m so happy and excited. I’m going to work on organizing my apartment and making it more of what I want.

Today after work I’m going to the farm to hang out for a while. I’m very excited about that. I am coming home after work to shower and I’m going to get dressed up and go over to the farm. I’m very happy. I love the farm. It’s my home even though I don’t live there anymore.

That’s all for now. I’ll keep you updated on everything. I love you and have a great day. We’ll talk soon.

Love you guys,

Kathleen