“The Best of Me”

Hey everyone. I hope you are having a wonderful day. As promised here is the last piece of my book My Life In My Own Words. I’m very excited about this book and I’m very excited to have it published. I love it. This is the best piece I’ve ever written. I’ve brought myself out of thirty years of repressing feelings and being something I’m not. I’m honored to share this piece with you. I hope that you take heart in the fact that at the end of the piece I’ve let go of a lot of shit and that I strive everyday to be the best me possible. That’s my wish for everyone single one of you. I hope this encourages you and inspires you like it does me. I love you and enjoy reading.

Love you guys,

Kathleen

“The Best Of Me”

Dedicated to me. Kathleen Ann Wyatt. The final piece for the book.

All I want is to be the best me possible.

All I want is for someone to love me. All I want is to be liked. All I want is stop annoying people. All I want is to be all put together. All I want is to stop feeling guilty and bad about everything.

All I want is to stop crying all the time and being a basket case. All I want is to care about other people.

All I want is to love someone and get married and have kids. All I want is to be a Massage Therapist. All I want is to move to Boone and chase my dreams. All I want is stop holding things in. All I want is to be me.

All I want is stop feeling like I’m a fucking failure and feeling dumb, awkward, and stupid. All I want is to stop feeling sorry for myself. All I want is to let go of thirty years of repressed feelings. All I want is to be loved unconditionally. All I want is to not be afraid. All I want is to be successful. All I want is to be like everyone else. All I want is to be as quick as others, as funny as others. All I want is for things to be easy. All I want is to be the real me.

All I want is to not feel like shit, like trash, and dirty. All I want is to give up, not change, and to not do the right thing. All I want to be is not hurt, damaged, or broken anymore. All I want is to be loved. All I want is for her to admit that what she did to me was wrong. All I want is to be held when I’m sad and not be judged. All I want is for people to stop using me and using my weakness against me. All I want is to stop holding things in and talk to others. All I want is for people to stop feeling sorry for me. All I want is to not have been verbally abused and manipulated by my mother. All I want is to stop apologizing for who I am. All I want is for people to accept me. All I want is to stop apologizing especially for stuff I didn’t do. All I want is to stop apologizing for the love I have toward my family and friends in the LGBT community.

All I want is to be seen. All I want is to not be angry all the time and throw things. All I want is to be happy. All I want is to not have depression and anxiety. All I want is a normal life like everyone else where I am perfect. All I want is to be normal. All I want is to feel alive. All I want is to be like everyone else.

But…

Life is hard.

Life is everything from A to Z.

Life is hard. My life is hard.

It’s hard because people have told me in one form or another that it would be hard because I’m this and I’m that.

WELL NO MORE!!!

I am me.

I can’t be anyone else.

I can’t because it’s not who I am.

Tonite I let go of thirty years of what “everyone” thinks I should be and who I was and what I used to be.

I am being me. I want to change.

I want to be the best me possible.

I want the most out of my life. I really do.

I want people to accept and like me, but I am accepting here tonite that not everyone will, not everyone will like me.

I will not connect with everyone.

I can’t. It’s not meant to be.

I must and I do accept to strive to connect with others, but if I don’t I don’t. I also accept that I’m not perfect and there are parts of me that I can’t change. I also accept that I am changing and these changes are hard. I accept that nothing is ever going to be easy. I accept that I need to take myself seriously. I accept that when I force myself to do something I’m holding myself prisoner and putting myself in chains and that I’m also keeping myself there when I refuse to be opened minded. I accept each and every new challenge that comes my way and I accept that I can learn something from it.

All I want is the best of me and I will. I do.

I do by getting up everyday and fighting.

I fight and I never give up no matter how difficult it maybe.

I want the best of me and that’s what I will get and that’s what I will accept.

 

My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 74

Good morning. I have orientation this morning and then I’m off for the rest of the day. I’m going to clean the bathroom because I’m heading to Boone on Friday for the day. I’m going to get up early and just go and have a good time. I have to work the next couple of day after Friday. I’m going to be closing almost every night so I figured I needed to have some fun. I close tomorrow too.

Tyler and I sat down and talked last night. It was a good conversation. I was finally able to express how much our relationship meant to me and I know the others in the house heard it especially Michael and I’m glad that he did because Tyler is important to me. He’s my best friend and I have had him as a friend longer than he and Michael have been together. Tyler is the one that has helped me to find myself and to help me and challenge me to be myself. This bond between us will never be broken no matter what. No one not even Michael can take that away from us from me. No that I think Michael will be, but you guys know what I mean. My point is Tyler means a lot to me.

I’m going to go by and talk to my apartment place and see what’s going. I still haven’t heard from her and I want to know what’s going on. I’ll let you know what she said. I can’t wait. Even though I have had to wait.

Everything else is going great. Work is awesome. I’m really loving it. I can’t wait to see what happens with the job.

Well that’s all for now. I’ll keep you guys updated on everything. Take care and we’ll talk soon.

Love you guys!!

Love you,

Kathleen

My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 73

Good morning everyone! I’m up early this morning. Earlier than normal because I have to be at training at 8am. I want to get there early so that I can make sure I find it and to make sure I know where to go. Thank God Nate is coming with me today. He’ll be there. I’m so happy. We are riding back together since we both have to work afterwards. I’m very excited about that. He’s a very sweet man and I don’t see him as a threat. He’s very loving and encouraging. He’s always asking me if I’m okay. I like that.

I’m still writing my book Fear of Abandonment. I didn’t get to write yesterday because I had a migraine. I’ve decided here and now that I will no longer eat gluten or dairy mainly cheese. I’m tired of getting sick and I think once I have  my own place I won’t be as tempted because I’m not living close to place where I can get it easily. I’m glad for that. I’m tired of being sick. It sucks royally. So anyway I also have another book I started to get ready to publish, but then I felt something telling me it was time yet. So I waited and decided to get Fear of Abandonment published and I will. I just feel it’s time for the other one to get published too. So I’m going to work on that. I’ve shared pieces from it on several of my posts and I’m excited for you guys and for everyone to read the whole collection.

So I was making coffee this morning and Michael who is Tyler’s fiancee comes in and scares me because I didn’t expect him to be up. But it’s fine. He starts talking to me and asking me how I’m doing. I told him I was okay. I’m thinking what the fuck? Are you serious? I think it’s just trying to make up for the fact that I didn’t say much last night. I came out last night when everyone had dinner, but I didn’t speak unless spoken to. I’m fine. No one made me mad or anything I just realized that I tend to talk too much sometimes and I wanted to listen instead. I need to listen more because when I talk too much I tend to miss things. Listening is a trait worth having. I’ve learned a lot about things by listening. Listening helps me to observe things around me and helps me to understand what’s going on around me. I love it. So that’s what I was doing. Corrie Malone who is another roommate texted me last night to check on me and I believe her words were more genuine than Michael’s, but then again I’m not sure. I’ve told you guys before how I feel about Michael so it might be that I’m letting that decide how I feel about what happened between us this morning or that I just feel that he’s not being genuine with me. I haven’t decided and I’m not going to waste my time thinking about it. It’s not worth it. I’ve made the decision a while back that I wasn’t going to put any effort into our relationship anymore. He’s going to have to come to me and make the effort. Maybe he was trying to this morning. I don’t know. The jury’s still out as the saying goes on that one.  I just feel that Michael and I will never get along no matter what. He reminds me too much of my mother and I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon. I just want to move out. I realized something last night. I went to the store and I had a honest conversation with myself. Tyler won’t admit to me, but because of what’s happened between us since I moved in almost three months ago and that I’ve hurt him not on purpose or anything, but I’ve hurt  him and yes he says he forgives me, but I have to open and honest with you guys it’s put a strain on our friendship. It really has. I’ve noticed differences. I’ve noticed how he doesn’t talk to me as much anymore and how he speaks to me is different. Sometimes I feel he is distancing himself from me and I thought oh maybe I’m just imaging things, but I don’t think so. I thought about it and this all makes sense. Feel free to weigh in and see what you think. I love Tyler and he’s my best friend, but the more I think about it the more I feel moving out and getting my own place is a good idea. I think it will help our relationship. I really do. It’s not going to be a quick fix, but maybe it will. It will help our relationship too. So anyway enough on that.

I’m still waiting to hear about the apartment. I’ve been approved I’m just waiting for it to be ready. If she doesn’t call me by Friday. I’m going to call next week and see what’s going on. I want to be moved out of here by May 1st. What I might do is put my stuff in a storage unit and then ask my friend Adam if I can stay with him for a few days till my apartment is ready for me to be moved into. But I may not need to do that, but I want to have that as plan B just in case.

Well that’s all for now. I will keep you updated on everything.

Take care and I love you. We’ll talk soon. I’ll post my last piece called “The Best of Me” when it’s ready. I’m going to finish typing that up today.

Love you guys,

Kathleen

My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 72

Good morning. I’m heading into work early this morning. Well 10 isn’t early, but it’s early for me since I’m not used to going in that early. It’s fine because I get off at 6. Oh man. A lot of shit happened yesterday. I wrote two pieces called No More part 1 and 2 and then I wrote one final piece called The Best of Me. It’s my final piece. I started a book called My Life in my own Words sometime back and it’s finally ready to be published. I’m going to talk to Michael’s friend Pat and see if someone wants to publish it. I can’t wait. I’m so excited. It’s a collection of different parts of my life from people I know to different topics. I can even picture the cover. I’m still writing Fear of Abandonment, but that is going to take time. I have to rewrite several chapters because of the direction the story is taking and this story is my own and it’s important to me. So I’m going to get the other one published first. In the piece The Best of Me I let go of thirty years of repressed feelings and I let go of everything. I cried a lot, but it was worth it. I feel happy this morning and content. I feel peaceful. I’ve never felt that before except for when I was on my vacation a few days ago. I’m so excited. I’m excited about my life and my future. Yes I will have bad days and ugly ones, but I will face them. I will live each day to the fullest and strive to do better and have a happy life. I want a happy life. I want to be happy. It’s important.

I’ll post the piece The Best of Me when it’s ready. Take care and I’ll keep you updated one everything. We’ll talk soon.

Love you guys,

Kathleen

No More Part 1 and Part 2

Tyler and I were making dinner tonight and we had a very real deep honest conversation and it was hard. All I wanted to do was cry, but it helped me to realize that I was picking up parts of myself that I let go of. So tonite I felt moved to go down to Immateria and let go of them once and for all. I wrote two pieces and I walked down to Immateria in the rain because it’s raining here and I said goodbye. I went to the Grandmother tree and received positive energy and goodness from her. I talked with Immateria and then I left. I feel that Immateria is a special place. I feel that Immateria is a person. I hold a very and I mean a very special place in my heart for Immateria. I have let a lot of shit go in Immateria. I love it there. I’ll get a picture and show it to you guys sometime. It’s beautiful place. So I am going to share these pieces with you. I know that I can because I love you. I really do.

Here are the pieces:

“No More” Part 1

Dedicated to myself. Kathleen Ann Wyatt

No more. I will accept that I will never be my old self again.

I will not go back there.

I will accept that I am who I am.

I will accept that my life isn’t what I want it to be right now, but I am where I am loved and cared for.

I have found a family.

I have a home.

I am not living in a house, but a home.

I am saying goodbye to my old life.

I am saying goodbye to my old self.

I am saying I am walking forward with my future being bright and with my head held fucking high.

I deserve to be happy.

I deserve a lot.

I deserve to be fair to myself and be the best person I can be.

I am the only one that make me happy.

I am happy.

I will be happy.

I will have my bad and ugly days, but I will be happy.

I will strive to find happiness and peace and contentment in the simple things.

I am done with these lies I have been fed by society.

I am done being what everyone else wants me to be.

I am a powerful person.

I am powerful.

I am light.

I am in position to help others even though I am working through my own shit.

I will work through it.

I will be best person I can be.

I will be the best me I possibly can.

Goodbye. Goodbye old life and the old me. Goodbye.

You served your purpose.

You are done.

I am finished with you.

I am fucking finished with you.

Goodbye.

“No More” Part 2

Dedicated to myself. Kathleen Ann Wyatt This piece is a sequel to No More Part 1. It is the final piece.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye to me feeling bad about everything.

Goodbye to me feeling bad and feeling guilty.

I am done with you both.

I have picked you both back for some reason, but no more. I will will be stronger and I will be powerful.

I will let you go for the last time.

I will no longer feel bad.

I will strive to think before I speak.

I will strive to stay out of own head.

I will strive to be the best me possible.

I will strive to not force myself upon others.

I will strive to not be needy.

I will strive to be understood.

I will strive to be more opened minded and not judge myself so harshly.

I will strive to be more of the “real me” than what society says I should be.

I will strive to speak more openly about things and not hold things in.

I will strive to be happy and have a happy life.

I will strive to be myself.

I will strive to do so much.

I will strive to accomplish what I want to do not what others think I should do.

I will strive to make my words matter and not let them be empty words.

I will strive to do better.

I will strive to be kinder to myself and more calm, content, and peaceful.

I will strive to set goals I can reach, but also challenge myself.

I will strive to not be ashamed of my tears and that I cry a lot.

Crying is a healing thing and it’s good for the soul. Crying is a way of cleansing the soul and I will be cleansed.

So goodbye.

You served your purpose.

Goodbye.

Love you guys,

Kathleen

Fear of Abandonment Chapter: One

Hey guys! As promised here is a little excerpt from my book Fear of Abandonment. It’s from the first chapter. Basically what’s happening here is Kyle is sick and he’s not sure why. I didn’t put a lot of the first chapter in here, but it’s to give a taste of the book and to see what you think. I would love your feedback. So without further adieu here is the excerpt. I love you guys and have a great day!

Here’s the excerpt:

Fear of Abandonment

Chapter 1

Kyle hated this. He didn’t understand it. This was the third morning in a row that he got up and felt sick to his stomach. He couldn’t keep anything down. He didn’t understand it at all. He decided to not eat anything for the rest of the day. He knew Adam kept ginger ale in the office. He cleared his throat, wiped his mouth and went back to the office. Adam and Ashley had just arrived to office from their meeting to find out it was lunch time. Kyle came in a few minutes after them. He headed to the refrigerator to get a ginger ale. Kyle saw Adam saying something to Ashley before he left. Kyle went to his desk and decided to stay in for lunch. He decided to just sit and rest. He saw Ashley getting his things. He hadn’t spoken to Ashley for exactly 6 months. It was hard. Kyle loved Ashley and wanted to be there for him and support him. But he would never forgive him for what he had done. Kyle remembered that day like it was yesterday. At first Ashley tried to keep talking to Kyle, but then he finally gave up. Kyle felt a sickening feeling in his stomach. Ashley had finished getting his things and as soon as he left Kyle grabbed a trash can and threw up. He threw up the ginger ale and some other things. He breathed in again. He went to get up and fell down. He grunted. He was in pain. He wasn’t sure, but he thought he heard something crack. He heard footsteps and hoped to God it wasn’t Adam or Ashley, but he was surprised to see that it was Ashley. For some reason it made him feel peaceful. “Ashley?” Kyle said weakly. Ashley knelt beside him and touched Kyle’s cheek. “Yeah mate it’s me. Everything’s going to be alright. I’m calling an ambulance.” Ashley said nervously. Kyle nodded slowly. It was the only response he could give at the moment. Ashley dialed for an ambulance. He was scared. He wasn’t sure what was wrong. He was frightened for Kyle. Kyle didn’t like hospitals and he didn’t like doctors. He didn’t trust them. He had a bad experience when he was younger and he told Ashley once that he would never set foot in a hospital ever again. Ashley hung up. Kyle was still breathing, but it was shallow. Ashley picked up the trash can and he saw what looked like blood. He wasn’t sure if it was, but it was enough to scare him. Kyle opened his eyes again. Kyle was scared too he just wouldn’t admit it. Kyle looked at Ashley. “Ashley.” Kyle said again weakly. Ashley rushed to his side and kneeled down. “Ashley.” Kyle whispered. “Yes love? I’m right here. Everything’s going to be okay. The ambulance is on it’s way. I’m right here.” Ashley stated. Kyle nodded again. “Close your eyes mate. Just rest love.” Ashley said seriously. Kyle nodded and closed his eyes. He wasn’t going to argue. He was tired and he was weak and he was in a great deal of pain. Not to mention my throat is on fire. He thought to himself.

The ambulance arrived a few minutes later. Ashley told them he was Kyle’s partner and of course they let him ride in the ambulance. He didn’t like to lie, but for Kyle he would do anything. He didn’t want Kyle to ride to the hospital by himself. Ashley waited as they put Kyle in the ambulance. They helped him to get up and he sat next to Kyle. Kyle was resting. Ashley started to cry. He would never forgive himself if anything were to happen to Kyle and he never got to talk to him. He wasn’t sure what would happen, but he what he did know was that he wanted his best friend back. He took Kyle’s hand in his and kissed it. He squeezed it and pushed Kyle’s hair back. He kissed his forehead. Please God please don’t take him from me. I’ll tell him. I’ll tell him the truth just please spare him. Please let him live. Give him a second chance. Ashley prayed to himself.

My Vacation to Boone!!

Good morning. As promised. I have organized my photos I took from my mini vacation to Boone. This was a life- changing trip. I made two very important decisions. My first decision I made was that I want to move Boone. Second I have decided that I like Hank. I really do, but I want his friendship more than anything else. He made me feel things I rarely have felt and actually I don’t feel them much. He made me feel calm, peaceful, and content. I will always be thankful for that. My gratitude to him is beyond words. I will never tell him to his face, but he will have my loyal and my gratitude for the rest of his life and mine. As much as I like him I would rather have his friendship. His friendship is very important to me. So when I go to Boone on trips and I will be heading back to Boone very soon. I will try to see him as much as I can and I will texted him once in awhile to check in and make sure that’s he’s doing okay. I am very grateful for Hank and his presence in my life. I’m also thankful for his room mate Alex. I look forward to getting to know him more.

Without further adieu here are the photos. I took some selfies and most of my pictures are from my day in Blowing Rock, but the others are pictures of Hank’s place. He has a beautiful farm and it’s going to be a beautiful place. It is a beautiful place. It’s calm and peaceful there. I love it and I know you will too!! I included a picture of Hank in the photos that I posted in my blog before because he’s the whole reason I went to Boone and because he helped me in so many ways. 🙂 Smiling!!

Here are the pictures: