My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 104

Good morning! I’m very happy. I’m closing tonight and then I open tomorrow and then I’m off for two days. I’m just trying to get through tonight and tomorrow. I have  a lot of stuff to do. I have a lot to do on Sunday. Monday I will be in Asheboro doing my phone and then I will be cleaning the bathroom at the farm as well. I’m going over to the farm on Saturday to hang out for a time and see about the mattress. Corey Erba is giving her twin mattress and boxspring to me. I’m very excited about it. She was suppose to come over yesterday with the boys, but they didn’t come over. I hope they don’t come over today because I won’t be here. Besides Tyler is working and Michael can’t do this by himself. Anyway I’m not worried. I’ll get it at some point.

Work was rough yesterday. One of my coworkers from the other department got mad about the tables blocking his way and he picked up the tables and got mad. He picked up the tables and slammed them down. I was so embarrassed to have one of my community service workers standing there. I was like that was unnecessary and Nelva my boss agreed with me. I was like really. I went to the bathroom to calm down because I was really ready to go off on someone. Actually I really wanted to cry. No one noticed my absence. I came back and everything had calmed down. I managed to calm myself down. I had a conversation in my head with the other coworker from the same department that I was having trouble with. Fortunately he left and someone else was doing his job. I really question whether I can do this job. I know what’s expected of me, but I just wonder if I can do this job. Sometimes everything is okay, but sometimes it isn’t. I think being a manager isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

I have a confession to make. In a post back or two I came out to guys and told you that I was BI and then I decided that I made peace with the fact that I couldn’t be BI and be a Christian. Well I was on youtube last night watching a relationship that I am very fond of. It’s from one of my favorite soaps called Coronation Street. It’s a British soap. I had stopped watching this relationship. It’s a long story why I stopped, but I won’t go into that. So anyway I was watching a clip last night and what it boils down to is I ended up posting about it on my twitter. But I went back on my twitter and deleted the posts and reposted it and reworded what I said. You’re probably asking well what did you say? I basically came out on my twitter. Well I had to unfollow a friend because I didn’t want people back in Asheboro to find out. So I decided to delete my posts, repost and reword what I said because I decided I didn’t really want to come out on social media. I didn’t think that was in my best interest. None of my family or my friends in Asheboro knows yet and I decided that I will tell who I want, when I want, and when I’m ready to tell them. I just feel so wishy washy on this subject. I want to talk to Tyler about this since he’s the first person who I told and helped me to figure all this out. I’m just so ashamed and I don’t know why. Well actually I do. My faith is making feel ashamed. I’m making me feel ashamed. I also won’t allow myself to feel something for a woman. I have had women that I’ve liked in the past, but I just don’t have anyone to share it with. Whenever I’m around straight people I just get really uncomfortable, but when I’m around people who are gay I feel quite normal. It’s crazy I’m sure, but since you are my family I know that I can share this with you and you will support me and listen to me. I feel safe here and that I can share anything with you. I think I will talk to Tyler. He can help sort my feelings out. He’s really good at listening to me and helping me to organize my thoughts. Tyler is the first person I told that I had feelings for women. I’ll never forget that conversation. It reminds in my heart. I’m tearing up as I talk about this. Have you ever felt ashamed for feeling something especially when it was something you felt strongly about? I do. I do about this. I want to be proud and be open about this, but I’m hiding and I feel disgusted with myself. I feel dirty. I feel like I’ve been raped and violated even though I have never felt any of things. Nor have experienced these things. I don’t know how else to describe it. Normally I’m okay. I justify and push it down and repress it, but last night I just couldn’t. I was outraged. I understand that his was a tv program, but it was a subject that comes up often and I think it exists in the real world, but no one wants to talk about these issues. They are taboo you might say. But that’s how I feel. No one at work knows. They might suspect, but I’ve never told them. I don’t want to. I’m afraid they would treat me differently. I strive to be open and honest with people, but I have chosen very carefully who to be open and honest with because of my past. I want to be a better person. I don’t want to be the same person I was before. I guess I have to accept who I was and that who I was will always be apart of me. But I don’t want to. I fight everyday to not be my old self. I fight so hard that at the end of the day I’m so exhausted, but I can’t sleep at night either because I’m afraid I won’t wake up when my alarm goes off. It’s a never ending cycle for me. I think this why I need some professional help because I need to break this cycle and I don’t know how to do that. This is why I struggle so much. This is my anxiety and my depression all wrapped up in a nice big bow. I hate it. It sucks. But I don’t want to take medicine. I don’t want that poison in my system. I’ve taken medicine before and it helped for awhile and then it stopped helping. Since 2013 or 2014 I haven’t taken any medicine and I fight everyday to be happy and not be anxious and depressed. I fight tooth and nail. Somedays I have good days and some days I have bad days and sometimes I have shity days and ugly days and sometimes the bad, shity, and ugly days are ugly. You guys know because I’ve been open and honest with you about those days. I was telling Shreya who is fellow blogger and a friend that this blog is my safe place to write. It’s my place where I can share my thoughts and I feel that I am understood. I don’t have to explain myself here. I don’t have to explain myself to you guys. You guys instantly get me and the reason that is is because I am open and honest with you and I am willing to accept what you say because it comes from a place of love and respect. I am not afraid of getting my feelings hurt. I am not afraid that someone is going to say something mean because you guys won’t and haven’t ever done that. Well I could go on all day. Actually I could write a novel just about this subject, but I won’t. But this is me and it’s how I feel. I live in my own head because I feel accepted there even though my head is the most dangerous part of me because that’s where my anxiety and my depression live. It’s where my real demons and my real skeletons are. I face them everyday whether I am awake or not, but it beats living in the real world. The only time I feel I can escape is when I am asleep and I’m actually not awake. Like I said it’s a never ending cycle. I just want some relief. I just want some peace and I just want some healing. But like I said this is me and if you guys are going to accept me you have to know “the real me” in order to do that.

I hope this doesn’t scare anyone or make you not want to read my posts anymore. I just want to be open and honest with you and I want you to know that I suffer in my own private hell. Yes I have good days and I’m happy and everything is alright with the world, but most of the time I’m smiling because I am unhappy and I’m trying to be happy. I’m trying to be something I not. I want to help someone else who also might be experiencing this and to let this person know that you are not alone in this. I am not alone in this either. I have friends and family who know me for who I am and truly love me unconditionally and are willing to be patient with me and help me through this. I hope this inspires someone and helps them to be the “real” them.

Take care you guys and have a great day. I love you and thanks for letting me share my deep, innermost private thoughts with you, and for accepting me for who I am.

Love you guys,

Kathleen

My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 103

Good morning! I’m feeling much better today. I had a rough day at work. I was really trying to be nice to everyone when I really wanted to tell people to fuck off. I may get customers who will complain to Nelva or tell Sara when she gets back, but I don’t care. I just don’t care. Customers are going to complain no matter what. I’m not going to step on glass to make them happy. That’s not my job. I’m there to do my job and try to help them within my job description. I am learning to not take their complaints so seriously and relax a little. I’m not going to worry about them anymore. I will do the best job I can because that’s all I can do. I’m not perfect. I’m not a robot. I’m a human being just like them that has feelings and emotions. I just have to keep them under control and keep my composure and handle the situation “properly”. If I can handle it then I direct them to where they can get help that I can’t provide because I am not able to provide it. They will be fine eventually and so will I.

Working today. I get off at five thirty and I’m going to come home and clean. I have more dishes and other things. After work yesterday I got some more stuff for my apartment. Tyler’s dad Steve gave me some stuff for my apartment. I got some blankets, a coffee pot, (which I love because he’s a man after my own heart) pots and pans, and more stuff that I didn’t look through yet. Tyler also gave me a hug from his dad. I think the world of Steve. I don’t know if I told you guys about him or not. Tyler’s dad is a wonderful human being. He has suffered a lot in his life. He was also in the army which I think has had a great effect on him. Some people who were in the army are okay and they are able to adjust back into what they call civilian life, but some aren’t. I don’t know. I just have this feeling that Tyler’s dad never really adjusted back into civilian life. But Tyler’s dad has played a key role in helping me to forgive my mom. I realized that if I can forgive Tyler’s dad for the fact that he never accepted Tyler when he first came out then I could forgive my mother for what she did to me. Tyler and his father have a good relationship now. They get along and everything. They have their disagreements, but on the whole I think they have a good relationship and it’s much better than it was before. So when Tyler and Michael talk about Steve it really hurts my feelings, but I won’t ever say anything to Tyler or Michael. I just find a way to creatively let it out. Most of the time I admit I keep it to myself. They don’t say anything really bad, but it hurts my feelings because of what Steve has done for me. Steve doesn’t know this though. I have never told him. I would never tell him. I think I could, but I don’t. I prefer to get to know Steve for myself and decide for myself what kind of guy he is. I don’t like that Michael and Tyler talk about him because I really want to get to know Steve for myself like I said. I don’t want someone painting a picture of what someone looks like or what they think he should look like or should be. To me when someone paints a picture of what the other person should be is coming into it with a judgemental frame of mind and you don’t really get to know the person for yourself and then when the person isn’t who you thought they were you get hurt, bitter, angry, and disappointed and that’s not a good place to be. Anyway that is my thoughts on that. I am very appreciative of Steve giving me this stuff. I really wanted a coffee pot and I’m so glad that was one of things he gave me. I also got some clothes that Amy got from the clothing swap. I’m not sure what that is, but I got some really nice stuff which apparently most of it belonged to Amy and my other friend Holly. Holly is wonderful person too. I just love her. Her and I instantly connected and she has turned into one of my dearest friends. I feel I can talk to her and she instantly gets me and I don’t really have to explain myself to her. It’s nice for a change. I always feel that I have explain myself to people, but with her I don’t have to and it’s nice. It really is and this is the cool part of our relationship. She’s always there when I need her just at the moment when I need her. I swear she’s magical. She just appears and then she’s gone. It’s awesome, but weird at the same time.

So anyway I am coming home today and I’m cleaning. My bathroom needs it especially my tub. I’m going to clean some of my dishes in the kitchen. I’m going to give Tyler back his stuff that he let me borrow  now that I have pots and pans of my own. Tyler has sent out feelers to others for some stuff I need. I made a list of things I need. I need to actually add some things. But anyway that’s my plans for today. I’ve haven’t done too much writing on my books lately. I just have felt myself going in that direction. While I’m off Sunday and Monday. Those will be my days to write. I’m heading to Asheboro Monday hopefully to get my phone turned on. I’m very excited about my new phone. My old one is working for now, but I’m not taking any chances. I would rather have the smartphone. I wanted one anyway. It’s going to be really nice. I’m very excited.

Well that’s all now for now. I have to get ready for work here in a little while. Take care and have a great day. I love you guys and we’ll talk very soon.

Love you guys,

Kathleen

My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 102

Good morning. Well it was. I woke with a headache about four or so in the morning and I took some medicine and went to the bathroom and went back to bed. I decided to set my alarm and get up at seven. Well I got up at seven. I was having my second cup of coffee when the nausea hit. I thought if I sat there it would be pass well it didn’t. I won’t go any further. So after I thought I was okay again I got up and cleaned up my trash can and put a bag back in my trash can. I rinsed out my trash can in the tub so I’ll clean my tub when I get home. My tub needs to be cleaned anyway. When I visited my sister last week she gave me some cleaner. This has taught me a important lesson. One I don’t take care of myself. I need to stop eating out and cook at home. I can eat out, but once a month. I can have a cheat date, but not a cheat week. I cheated a little extra this month because it’s my birthday, but I can’t do that again. It’s going to cheat, but I need to stop doing it all the time. Second I need to stop worrying and be anxious about stuff. I need to find other outlets because I think that worried and being anxious are a big part of this too. Lastly being sick is no fun and I hate being sick.

Work went well last night. I didn’t get as much done as I would have liked because Corey who is my other co workers we kept getting called all night. I’m like really. One time I was called because she wanted some water. I’m like really. I didn’t say that to her, but I’m like oh my god. Then I had to open another register and I’m like really. It took me past eight thirty to get out of there, but I’m trying. I really am. Nate is opening this morning so I got in at ten and Nelva is closing. I’m going to talk to Nate and get some feedback about how to improve. This is going to be a fun day. But I’m going to keep a positive attitude and just go with it. I’m just glad I’m not closing. I need a break. I’m going by the farm when I get off and see my family. I’m excited about that.

Thank you to those who reached out to me yesterday about my phone. I just wanted to let everyone know that my dad came to rescue. He has an old smartphone that he’s not using. I’m going to have him send it to me and I will pay the activation fee and have it turned on so I can have a phone. I’m so excited. Yay for my dad!!! I bragged about him on facebook. I am so grateful to have him in my life.

Well that’s all for now. I’ll talk to you guys later. I love you and take care. We’ll talk soon.

Love you guys,

Kathleen

My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 101

Good morning.  Today is one of those days. I feel it. It started last night. My phone has decided to die and be a pain the ass while dying. I’m trying to get a new one, but till then I have to have the battery out of my phone or it will randomly dial people. So anyway I cheated yesterday and had pizza. Big mistake. My stomach is upset. It’s been upset since last night. My whole world is falling apart. Not literally, but that’s how I feel. I’ve listened to music, done my gratitude journal and started to write a play and that seems to be the only things that are helping. I’m going to go out and take a walk to my mail box too. I’m hoping all this will help me. I have to work today and I need to have a level  head to go in there today. My boss Sara is leaving for a few days on vacation. I’m actually not worried because I won’t hopefully be closing too much. I’m closing today, but then after that I’m not closing again. I’m glad too. I’ve been closing for a month straight and it’s boring and I hate it.

I had a nice visit with my sister and her husband. They gave me more dishes and stuff. I have sharp knives now and I went to the Goodwill there in Asheboro and found some pots and pans and some more hangers for my clothes and I only spend six dollars. OMG. It’s wonderful.

I’m closing tonight and I’m going to get out of here on time. I’m going to just tell Aton who is the cashier closing with me that if she wants a schedule she’s going to have to ask someone else because we need to get out of here on time. She’s just going to have to get over it. I’m not in the mood to stay here longer than eight-thirty. My dad is supposed to be helping me get a phone. I’ll have to get some money together and help with getting one.

So that’s all for now. I need to get up and move around because of this anxiousness I’m feeling. I love you guys and we’ll talk soon.

Love you guys and have a great day,

Kathleen

My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 100

Good morning. Heading back to Asheboro to see my sister Chris. She’s going through a really hard time in her life right now. Her mother in law is not doing well and it’s very possible she will die. Her mother-in-law has had cancer for a long time and she’s on her last rope I believe. She has lived with my sister and her husband for a long time now and it’s been rough having her there and I know my sister and she will feel guilty for things she has said to her, but she shouldn’t because she hasn’t done anything to her, but one I’m her sister and I can say that and second I don’t want her to feel guilty about it and third and last I just want her to be happy. She’s got a lot to be thankful for. She’s got the greatest husband ever (well in my book he is), a home, a good job and I mean a very good job. She’s a high school science teacher now and she’s been doing it for almost 9 years now. She makes good money, and the list could go on. I’m so proud of her and I love her so much. She’s just really great. She and I had a weird sort of relationship. We weren’t close when we were younger, but as we got older and I “grew” up a little we got closer. We really got closer when I fractured my foot back in September of 2016. I can’t believe it will a year in September 2017. That’s crazy. But she was really there for me during that time and kept encouraging me and she would come to see me. Now I know she’s my sister and she should do that, but not everyone has sisters or family members that will come visit them. But I am fortunate that my family is not like that. She came visit and she encouraged me as much as she could. She’s awesome. She’s my hero and she’s a wonderful person. I want to be there for her during this time and help her in anyway I can.

I had a wonderful day yesterday. I was really tired from the party Saturday so yesterday I didn’t do much. I did get my chinese and it was so good. I didn’t even have a headache today and I’m so glad. I called my father for Father’s Day and he was doing much of anything. He was having a fuzzy day with his head. The weather really messes with his head with his vertigo. But he’s fine and that’s all that matters to me. I’m going to plan a trip to see him in August for his birthday. I’m very excited about that. I just need money for food and gas. I can stay with my dad. I want to treat him to dinner for his birthday. I love my dad. He and my sister Chris have been my rock, my supporters, encouragers, and just have been there and shown up in so many ways. I’m very grateful for them both.

Well that’s all for now. I’m going to head out soon. I love you guys. Take care and have a great day! Talk soon.

Love you guys,

Kathleen

P.S. Please keep my family in your prayers, or sending your loving, comforting vibes, or whatever you feel you want to do. My dad’s cousin Debbie died. She had MS for years and she was just a very sweet lady. Her mother my dad’s aunt is just very upset and understandably so. My dad’s aunt is much older than her and wasn’t expecting her daughter to go before her. Thank you guys in advance. I appreciate it.

My oldest sister is the one in the yellow with the glasses. She’s the one I’m going to visit today. My other sister Megan is the one is the flowered dress.

My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 99

Good morning or actually it’s afternoon. It’s 12:15 pm here on this lovely Father’s Day. I had a great time at my party last night at the farm. I was really tired so I spent the night at the farm and had a great time with Tyler and everyone. I had my first two shots last night. I’ve never had shots of alcohol so that was nice. I woke up having a splitting headache, but I don’t regret it. I also go to try my first duck egg this morning and I loved it. I had a blast. Hank came up and it was nice. He was acting really weird the whole time was there and even when I left he was acting weird, but I just decided that whatever. If he wants to be that way it’s whatever. I just don’t care.

I’m off today and tomorrow and I’m so happy. I had so much fun last night. I canceled my date with Angelo. I decided that I’m just not ready for all that. I know my life will never be perfect and I’ll never have all my shit together, but this journey I’m on is about me and I’m just not ready to have someone else in my life right now. I need this time for me. I’m still figuring shit out and I’m still finding my way through stuff and I need to get to a place where I can handle my everyday life stuff without having a mental, emotional, and physical breakdown. I need to find out how to deal with this PTSD stuff if that’s what I have. I need to figure out a lot of things. I can’t wait for my health insurance to kick in so I can go and get some professional help with some of these issues. I just think given my current situation that professional help is a necessary thing and a good idea. I need to know what I’m dealing with so I can face it head on. Plus my book is almost ready to be published, I’m still getting settled in my apartment, I don’t know if I’m staying here more than a year or not and there’s just a lot going on in my life. I’m making changes so quickly and there are more changes to be made that I want to make that will be lasting changes that will in the end be good for me. So for now I think I will stay single and whoever that man is he will come when the time is right and it will happen organically and he will be the perfect man for me. So I’m happy to be single for the time being. It will happen. I know it will and I have a loving family here in Winston and of course you guys who will be with me every step of the way encouraging me to do what’s best for me and to be me.

So today I’m going shopping to buy food. I need to go back to the farm and get my earrings I left them there and I need to come home and rest. I’m exhausted. I’m also going to call my dad for Father’s Day. I’m very excited about that. I think I might also treat myself to some chinese because I don’t feel like cooking.

So that’s all for now. I’ll talk to you later. Love you guys and have a great day!

Happy Father’s Day to all you father’s out there.

Love you guys,

Kathleen

My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 98

Good morning! I had a wonderful day yesterday. I had a great day at work. Nate is back and he’s so funny. I closed last night. We did a great job. We hit goal. I didn’t get out by eight thirty, but I did manage to get out before 8:45 so I’m excited about that. I will continue to work hard and not get upset about it. I am opening today and then I have a party to attend this evening at the farm in my honor. I feel so special. I’m getting excited about my date with Angelo tomorrow. I’m still trying to decide what to wear. I’m very excited about the party tonight. I still can’t believe they want to have a party for me. I’m not used to people wanting to do things for me. Well I am, but I don’t want them to. I am too humble I think. I think there should be a healthy balance.

I’m so glad that today is Saturday. This week is going to go by quick. I’m so glad to be off tomorrow and Monday. I’m looking forward to my visit with my sister. It’s just nice in general to have money in the bank. I hate being broke when I need to buy basic things like food and stuff like that.

Well that’s all for now. I’ll keep you updated on everything. Have a great day. We’ll talk soon.

Love you guys,

Kathleen