Who knew that would be the day? Who knew today would be a day of healing? Who knew that going to the doctor would be facing a fear that I buried for many years? Who knew that facing a fear I buried would cause me to come back to God? Today I went for my annual physical for work. Part of my exam included a pat smear test. Many years ago when I was still in high school I went to the doctor and she tried the test on me. She didn’t walk me through it. She just did it and she didn’t care about my feelings. She saw my discomfort and she stopped. I went back to the class that day feeling awful. I had never known pain like that in my life. I vowed then and there never to have another one again until today. My doctor was very kind and she walked me through it. She was able to check out other things. I got my blood taken and the results should come back next week. I go back in three months. That exam brought back horrible memories of the first time I had the test done. I cried in the exam room today. I tried to hold back the tears. I just couldn’t. I prayed over and over again. God met me in that exam room and held me. He reached down in my despair and helped me. I know what people say about God. I know they hate him for this and that. I know many times in my life I did things I shouldn’t have. I know I walked away from God, but I never stopped believing he was there. Even though I walked away from him, he was there for me. He was answering prayers and he protected me from things that I couldn’t have protected myself from. He has done things for me that no human being could ever do. I wish they could, but they can’t. Facing my fears today helped me to heal in a mighty way. I realized what the root cause for a lot of my problems is because of this experience. I will never forget it. Yes, I am in pain, but I am healing. I feel relieved. I feel elated. I am not saying I have arrived. I will never arrive. I will never be perfect. I am healing. I am human. I will mess up and make mistakes. I will be proud, ignorant, broken, beautiful, wonderful, and so many other things. But because I have chosen to not be sexually active I have chosen to add value to myself. My doctor pointed that out to me today. I never thought of it that way, but that’s what I got out it from what she said to me. She treated me like a human being. She saw me at my weakest point and showed compassion for me. She understood. She knew I was scared. She had to know and she didn’t judge me. That’s what the world needs. We need to meet people where they are and help me. We don’t need to judge them. That’s why Jesus came. That’s why Jesus died, but Christians (I exclude myself from this) Christians have turned Jesus’ love into something twisted and ugly. They have chosen to judge instead of love. They have chosen to show hate and evil towards others instead of love and compassion. No wonder the world is the way it is. I will continue to show love and compassion whenever and wherever I can. Like I said. I’m not perfect, but I will try every day. All I can do is try. The reason I exclude myself from the message above is that I don’t think of myself as a Christian. What I mean by that is that I don’t identify myself as a Christian. I do not want people to judge because of what one “Christian” is doing. I simply don’t tell anyone I am a Christian. I share my faith when I have the opportunity to do so otherwise I let people see God and what he has done for me from living my life. I let everyone see me. I let them see the tears, the good days, the bad days, the ugly days, the shittest days, my weakness, my strengths, and so on and so forth. Most people will read my post and they will comment and say that I am wrong or not, agree with what I am saying, but I don’t care. I speak the truth. I speak my truth. I get out of the way. I bow out and let God shine through me. My only hope and prayer is that you see God, not me in my life. I want God to be seen. I don’t want the spotlight. I don’t want the limelight. You can have it. It’s not worth it. I don’t want my name in lights. I just want to make a difference. I want to help someone. I want to show others what I have been shown which is kindness, love, and compassion. So thank you to all those who have shown kindness, love, and compassion to me. I will never forget you. I promise. That’s why I want to be a therapist. I want to help people to heal like I am healing now. I want to continue to heal. I can’t wait to see what comes out of this beautiful moment. I know the healing has just begun. I’m so thrilled and excited. I truly am.
Always in Love,
Kathleen
