A New Day….

Who knew that would be the day? Who knew today would be a day of healing? Who knew that going to the doctor would be facing a fear that I buried for many years? Who knew that facing a fear I buried would cause me to come back to God? Today I went for my annual physical for work. Part of my exam included a pat smear test. Many years ago when I was still in high school I went to the doctor and she tried the test on me. She didn’t walk me through it. She just did it and she didn’t care about my feelings. She saw my discomfort and she stopped. I went back to the class that day feeling awful. I had never known pain like that in my life. I vowed then and there never to have another one again until today. My doctor was very kind and she walked me through it. She was able to check out other things. I got my blood taken and the results should come back next week. I go back in three months. That exam brought back horrible memories of the first time I had the test done. I cried in the exam room today. I tried to hold back the tears. I just couldn’t. I prayed over and over again. God met me in that exam room and held me. He reached down in my despair and helped me. I know what people say about God. I know they hate him for this and that. I know many times in my life I did things I shouldn’t have. I know I walked away from God, but I never stopped believing he was there. Even though I walked away from him, he was there for me. He was answering prayers and he protected me from things that I couldn’t have protected myself from. He has done things for me that no human being could ever do. I wish they could, but they can’t. Facing my fears today helped me to heal in a mighty way. I realized what the root cause for a lot of my problems is because of this experience. I will never forget it. Yes, I am in pain, but I am healing. I feel relieved. I feel elated. I am not saying I have arrived. I will never arrive. I will never be perfect. I am healing. I am human. I will mess up and make mistakes. I will be proud, ignorant, broken, beautiful, wonderful, and so many other things. But because I have chosen to not be sexually active I have chosen to add value to myself. My doctor pointed that out to me today. I never thought of it that way, but that’s what I got out it from what she said to me. She treated me like a human being. She saw me at my weakest point and showed compassion for me. She understood. She knew I was scared. She had to know and she didn’t judge me. That’s what the world needs. We need to meet people where they are and help me. We don’t need to judge them. That’s why Jesus came. That’s why Jesus died, but Christians (I exclude myself from this) Christians have turned Jesus’ love into something twisted and ugly. They have chosen to judge instead of love. They have chosen to show hate and evil towards others instead of love and compassion. No wonder the world is the way it is. I will continue to show love and compassion whenever and wherever I can. Like I said. I’m not perfect, but I will try every day. All I can do is try. The reason I exclude myself from the message above is that I don’t think of myself as a Christian. What I mean by that is that I don’t identify myself as a Christian. I do not want people to judge because of what one “Christian” is doing. I simply don’t tell anyone I am a Christian. I share my faith when I have the opportunity to do so otherwise I let people see God and what he has done for me from living my life. I let everyone see me. I let them see the tears, the good days, the bad days, the ugly days, the shittest days, my weakness, my strengths, and so on and so forth. Most people will read my post and they will comment and say that I am wrong or not, agree with what I am saying, but I don’t care. I speak the truth. I speak my truth. I get out of the way. I bow out and let God shine through me. My only hope and prayer is that you see God, not me in my life. I want God to be seen. I don’t want the spotlight. I don’t want the limelight. You can have it. It’s not worth it. I don’t want my name in lights. I just want to make a difference. I want to help someone. I want to show others what I have been shown which is kindness, love, and compassion. So thank you to all those who have shown kindness, love, and compassion to me. I will never forget you. I promise. That’s why I want to be a therapist. I want to help people to heal like I am healing now. I want to continue to heal. I can’t wait to see what comes out of this beautiful moment. I know the healing has just begun. I’m so thrilled and excited. I truly am.

Always in Love,

Kathleen

Advertisements

May’s Monthly Goal

Hello again. For this month’s goal, I decided to do something different. Most of my goals I try to get it done before the end of the month. This month’s goal is: Focus on me. With my recent doctor’s visit, I decided to start taking better care of myself. So I’ve decided to start focusing on eating better and not going out as much. I’m cutting certain things out and putting other things in. I’m still doing my food diary and that has been very helpful. I’ve added some fruit in my diet and I’m choosing some Gluten free and dairy free options for my snacks for work instead. I’m paying more attention to the ingredients and avoiding items I know make me sick. I feel really good about these decisions. I think they will be lifelong decisions I can look back on in my later years and feel good about.

As always, thank you for your support. I love you guys so much. Take care and have a great day.

Always in Love,

Kathleen

May’s Monthly Update

Hello!!! I hope this post finds you well. I’m sorry I haven’t updated sooner. I’ve been busy with work and other things going on. So I wanted to let you know how everything went to the doctor. So here we go. I went to the doctor on Wednesday, May 2nd. I decided to see my mom’s doctor. Her name is Doctor Rowena Sistasis. She’s a wonderful woman and she’s very pretty. She listened to me and wrote everything down. She was very throughout and checked out everything. She gave me some Zyertic and I took that and I’m starting to feel better. She and I also discussed my blood tests that Urgent Care took when I went to them when I started to feel bad back in March. Dr. Rowena is concerned that I might have high blood pressure, but she made some suggestions about that so I’ve been working on them. We also discussed my pre-diabetes number and that was high. She made some suggestions about that as well. She said if I could lose five pounds that would help. I’m also going back at the end of this month for a physical. I’m hoping that by then I won’t have to go on high blood pressure medicine. I’m also going to have my pat smear done. I’m not looking forward to that, but I want to get it done. A lot of things run in my family and I want to avoid getting these things so I need to work on that now. I don’t’ want to wait until I’m sixty or older to try and deal with this stuff. I do have good news. When I went to Dr. Rowena they took my height and my weight and I’ve lost some more weight. I was 241 in August 2018. I am 236 as of May 2, 2019. I’ve lost five pounds and I’m so excited and proud of myself. My hard work is paying off.

Work is still busy. Things are getting extremely hairy. A co-worker is making trouble for me. I have had to talk with my supervisors about because I can’t handle it on my own. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m not worried. I told my mom that I’m just glad I could get it off my chest. I’m doing my best to hang in there.

In my last post, I mentioned that I would be updating you guys about some decisions I’ve been making. I’ve decided to go back to school to become a therapist. I’ve decided to drop getting my massage license for the time being and focus on school. I’ve already researched schools. I’ve decided to go to a community college first, then transfer to another school. I will get my bachelor’s and my master’s. Then after that, I’ll go on to graduate school. I’ve got a long road ahead of me, but I’m really excited about this. I’m bored and I need something to do. I need something to challenge me a little. I think this will do that. I think I will be challenged and I have always wanted to go to a 4-year University like my sisters did. I’m really excited about this. I decided to wait at least a year before attending school. I told my mom I want to hang in at my work for as long as I can. I’m truly excited.

Well, that’s all for now. I’ll keep you informed on everything. I’ll be posting my goal for this month.

Thank you once again for the views on my blog. I truly appreciate your love and support.

Always in Love,

Kathleen

Quick Update

Hey everyone. I just wanted to check in real fast. I promise I haven’t fallen off the map or anything. I’ve been really busy with work. It’s gotten super crazy and stuff. I’m also experiencing some health issues and my body is hurting really bad. I will update you guys tomorrow on everything. I’m planning to visit a doctor tomorrow to see if she can help me find some answers. In the update tomorrow I will announce some decisions I have made recently and what my plan of action is. Some of my dreams that have been sitting on the shelf are going to come off the shelf and become reality. I’ll explain more tomorrow. So until tomorrow, I love you and thank you all for your love, support, prayers, encouragement, likes, follows, and for just being there. I love you guys so much. I wouldn’t be here without you.

Always in Love,

Kathleen

When the World says

April’s Monthly Goal

Good evening. I hope this post finds you well. I was off today and I finally cleaned my room. I cleaned my room and I rearranged my bed and my dresser. I finally put up my organizer for my room that I bought some time back. I wanted to clean my bathroom, but it took me so long to clean my room so I am waiting to clean my bathroom until I’m off again. I’m so excited. I feel better about my room. It feels clean and organized and I love it.

Now onto my monthly goal. I’m truly excited about this month’s goal. I got the idea for it when I was at work packing one night. I have a lot of time to think about things when I’m working. So this idea came to me and I love it. So without further adieu, here it is. April’s Goal is: Focus on MBLEx. The MBLEx is a state board test that I have to pass in order to get my massage license. I’ve been studying for it on and off this past year. But for my goal, I am going to focus on another aspect of the state board test. I’m going to put my money into my savings to pay for the test. To take the state board test I have to pay 195 dollars. I’m also going to put the fee I owe for getting my license. I have to pay 190 or 194 dollars to get my license as well. I will put 15 dollars into my savings instead of 10 dollars. I started last month by putting in 15 dollars. I’m excited about this because not only was I worried about the test itself, but also how I was going to pay for it. I decided that with the overtime I’m earning at work I decided to start putting money into my savings. That way the money can sit there until I am ready to take the test. I’m excited because I finally feel like I have some control over my life. It’s a wonderful feeling, isn’t it, when one part of your life makes sense. I love it.

Well, that’s all for now. Wish me luck.

I love you all!!

Always in Love,

Kathleen

April’s Monthly Update

Good evening everyone. I can’t believe it’s the first day of April. Wow!! I just hope the weather will cooperate and become more spring. Well onto the wonderful news.

So I’ve come to a decision about my job. I’ve decided to stay with the company and I’ve also decided to stay as a packer/inspector instead of trying to become an operator. I made the decision when things started to get better for me at work. I’ve started to pray a little more and I decided to talk with my supervisors about Martha. Martha is my lead packer. She makes all the assignments for the packers and so on. She has continued to harass me and finally, I got fed up. I talked with Charles and Mo about it and they sent her an email. Since then she hasn’t said a word to me. Not having her to harass me it’s been really great. I feel more confident about the job I am doing. I just do my assignment the best that I can and I don’t worry about anything. Unless Charles and Mo call me into the office I just don’t worry anymore. It’s been wonderful. More good news. They have changed our schedules so instead of the schedule we have now we have a rotating schedule and I get two different days off every week. For example, I was off Sunday and today. Then I’ll work Tuesday-Friday and I’ll be off this coming weekend (Sat-Sun). It’s wonderful. It’s the old schedule I worked when I used to work for the company. I love it. I’m the only one that loves the schedule. Everyone else doesn’t like it because it makes it harder for them to get their forty-eight hours in for the week. We are still on a mandatory 48-hour week schedule. We’ve been on this schedule for about two or three months now straight. I don’t see it changing anytime soon. I’ve also been working on my goal for April. I’ll be posting that in a separate post. I’m very excited about this month’s goal.

Now that work is finally settled I’m going to work on getting stuff to work out at home. I’m going to get an exercise bike and some weights as well. I’m very excited about this. I have everything picked out that I want I just have to buy it.

So that’s all the news for now. I’ll keep you posted on everything.

I love you guys. Thank you for your continued support, encouragement, and prayers. I truly appreciate you. I hope you have a wonderful evening.

Always in Love,

Kathleen

 

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!

Hello everyone. I know it’s been a while. Work is super crazy and I have been super tired. But enough about that. Today is a special day. Today is St. Patrick’s Day. I’ve never celebrated it, but for some reason, I decided to do so. I never even knew what the holiday was or anything like that. So today I decided to google it and I found it very interesting. The thing that fascinated me the most was that it was a Christian Holiday to honor St. Patrick, according to the research I did. I don’t know why that fascinated me so much, but it did. I hate to say this and I know it may be wrong, but I’m tired of being a Christian sometimes just because I am supposed to say the right thing and do the right thing, but I’m not. I’m not perfect. I get so irritated at people you know. “You” judge the entire “Christian group” based on how one Christian acted toward you. That is why I don’t refer to myself as a Christian anymore. For one, it’s overrated and two I prefer a different term. I prefer to be called a Christ follower. The reason I like this term is that I am a student of his word. I follow him because I have faith. Faith is the evidence of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1) Most Christians want to believe in what they see I know because I’ve seen it. I am one of those Christians. Well, I used to be. I live by faith. God has some done some really awesome things this past week and I believe that he will do anything he says he will. He has really pulled me out of the fire. I’m not saying I have it all figured out. I’m not saying that I don’t doubt myself, my sexuality, my place in the world as a woman, but what I am saying is that this: I will live by faith. Faith is what gets us through the hard times. It truly does. I see that now. I want to make a difference. I want to help others and I don’t want any glory for it. That is the difference between a “Christian” and a Christ Follower. I know many Christ followers. I have seen many, but you won’t see them in the front lines. They will be behind the scenes, suffering in silence and crying many tears. They will pray instead of worrying. They will trust and have faith in God, even though they are suffering and in pain. I’m not sure why this comes up. Maybe because of this holiday and the research I did. It’s something I feel very strongly about, but I don’t say it often because I don’t want to be a preacher. I don’t want to force my beliefs on anyone. I want to be a friend to everyone and be an encourager. I want people to see God, not me. I want people to look at me and say hey if she can do it so can I. If I can help one person I know in my heart, I will have made a difference. I don’t even care if I live to see it. I just want to help one person, at least one. I’m sure I’ve helped more than one, but even if I’ve only helped one that will make me happy.

Enjoy this day and Happy St. Patrick’s day!! I am spending the day with my mom at home resting. I had to work yesterday and I’m beat.

I love you all so much and we’ll talk again soon.

Always in Love,

Kathleen