Good morning! Yesterday was a soul-cleansing day. I had the most amazing thing to happen. I was sitting in my car waiting to go into work and I found myself confessing sins and asking for forgiveness and then I just prayed to God. I hadn’t prayed to God in a while. I started to break down and cry. I prayed asked him for his help. I asked him to give me the words I needed to speak to everyone. I also gave him my “relationship with Barry”. I went into work and I had such a peace that I never had before. Everything was fine. I felt really good. Then as I was rotating clothes I heard a Christian song play it’s a song called Forgiven by a band called Crowder. I heard just one part. It said Forgiven. It was God’s way of telling me that I was forgiven. God has always been there with me even in my darkest moments of my life and there have been some really dark moments. I have told you guys about it so you know, but there are many who don’t. But God knows. He didn’t leave me. I know I’ve heard for years from different pastors that God is this and God is that, but you know what. First of all they are human and second they don’t know who God really is. I am not saying that they aren’t doing their job or that they don’t know who God is or anything like that. I have no disrespect for them at all. They have a job to do just like anyone else, but what I am saying is this: I know who God is. He didn’t abandon me. He was with me the whole time. God knows everything is going to happen before it happens. My walk with God is different than anyone else because God speaks to me differently and I am at a different place in my life than someone else. God has brought me through the things he has brought me through for a reason. He has helped me through the dark moments because he knew that I would need him and his strength. He didn’t allow it to happen. I know some people may believe that and that’s fine. No judgement for that person who does. They are totally entitled to feel that way and have those thoughts and opinions. For me though I have studied the Bible for myself and have always found my own faith in the Lord. I have learned the most about God through the hard times and I’ve had many times where things have been hard and I have been pushed and stretched past my breaking point. I’m dealing with that right now. But I have a lot of hard times because I need to appreciate the good times when they come and be ready and prepared for the next time I go through a hard time. So what I am saying in a nutshell is that just because I’ve had doubts about him and I still do and just because I’ve decided to come out to my family on my blog and my family in Winston doesn’t mean God has abandoned me. Once you’re his child you are always his child. God has been with me and helped me to figure out all my doubts and to figure out about whether I want to be BI or not. I truly believe that. I love him more now than I ever did. I know some may read this and disagree, but that’s fine. You can disagree. You don’t know my God like I do. I will tell you one thing. I will no longer believe the pastors and their lies and myths about God and what he is really like. I have seen him and what he is really like. I’m still figuring out some things, but he has not left me. He never will and I am glad.
I got to see Barry yesterday and he hugged me. So that makes it four hugs now. I love to see him smile. It always brightens up my day. He kept looking at me yesterday or at least he looked in my direction. I get the feeling he wants to say more, but he doesn’t. Maybe he’s shy or maybe he just doesn’t want everyone at work to know. I don’t know, but that’s okay. Our time will come when we can get together and we can talk. I feel now more than ever that he likes me and I know that I like him. We’ll see. I will not force things again. I will wait and be patient. Everything will happen like it’s supposed to. I’m just going to “sit” right here and wait. Nate was off so I was glad. He’s working today, but he doesn’t come in till one. I work with Sara again today. Her and Nelva both asked me how I was doing. Sara put her hand on me twice yesterday very lightly and gently. It was nice. I think it was her way of letting me know that she was there for me. Nelva and I talked for a minute and then we went back to work. I cherish those moments between me and Nelva because they don’t often happen. Kind of reminds me of my moments with my mom. Oh speaking of my mom. I’ve decided to forgive her and to allow her to be apart of my life. I will talk with her soon. I just feel that it’s time. I think four months has been long enough. I’m just going to let her walk back into my life. I want her to understand that she really hurt me. I want to know why she is the way she is, but for now I think it’s best for me to just forgive her and to let her back into my life. I am planning to hopefully see my sister on Monday so I might stay for dinner and talk with her then. I might not. I haven’t decided. If I do I do, but if I’m not ready then I will wait and I wait for the right moment.
I am working the midshift again today Thank God! I get off at six and I’m coming home. I got another wonderful surprise. I got a bonus check from work and they direct deposited into my account this morning. I know Nelva told me we were getting one, but Nate told me I wouldn’t get one. I was going to asked Nelva or Sara again just to be sure because considering what’s happened I don’t trust Nate anymore. Actually I do, but only to a certain degree. He crossed a line and he can’t go back to that. We still pick and stuff, but it’s different and it should feel different because he’s in the wrong and I don’t expect him to apologize or anything like that even though I think he should, but I am not expecting it. He doesn’t hug me or anything anymore. He shows respect for me. Finally a man showing a woman respect!! In my book Nate isn’t a “real” man especially not after what he did. I understand we mess up and we all make mistakes, but there’s not excuse for his behavior. But I have forgiven him and I have moved on. I am just stating that he’s not a
“real” man. He’s just not. Now Barry he’s a “real” man because one he’s a gentleman and second “real” men handle their business and Barry does that.
Lots of good is happening so I am appreciating it and taking it all in. I am going to hold onto it and cherish and treasure it because I know more hard times are coming. I have to work hard and be prepared. Life is full of hard times. My life has been, but I want to change and be a better person. I want to be my best self possible. I want to reach my higher self. I am accomplishing so much and I am becoming the person I was always meant to be and I’m experiencing real freedom and victory in my life. It takes a lot of hard work and determination. Life couldn’t be any better for me right now. I will cherish and treasure this. I truly will.
That’s all for now. I will keep you updated and let you know what happens with stuff. Have a great day! I love you and we’ll talk soon. Take care.
Love you guys,