Good morning! Today is a rough day. I’m struggling. I didn’t sleep well last night. I hit myself in the face at work yesterday and it hurts like hell. I woke up with a terrible headache twice. I’m extremely tired. I also had to swallow my pride. Well I didn’t have to. I decided to swallow my pride and I reached out to my family here in Winston and asked for help. I asked them to help me with some items that I am in need of till I get paid again. I sent them an email and included a list of items that I am in need of. It wasn’t easy. I don’t like to ask for help. I like to do things on my own, but I can’t this time. I can’t do it. I need help. I’m tired of my pride and my arrogance. I know you’re thinking you’re not arrogant what are you talking about, but I am. I truly am. I am in the respect that I don’t like to ask for help when I actually need it and the person I hurt in the end is me. So no more. I am asking for their help and if no one helps me then they don’t or they can’t, but I am proud of myself for asking for help. I’m tired of not asking for help and I’m tired of my pride and my arrogance getting in the way of that. I’m truly sorry that it does. I wish it didn’t, but that’s what it is. But I can change it. That’s the good part. I can change it.
I heard back from the job I applied for through the Winston-Salem Transit Authority. They wanted me to fill out an application again. I don’t know why, but anyway I filled it out. I’m so glad I heard back from them. I was going to call them anyway, but I’m amazed I heard back so soon. I just applied for it on Saturday and the contacted me yesterday. I’m still in shock. When I am interviewed I will ask some detailed questions. I’m thinking that if this job is what I want that I will quit Goodwill and take it even though it’s part-time and talk with Robin about working more hours at the Grill. I’m still looking for a third part-time job cleaning bathrooms. I’m going to ask my family to see if they know anyone that needs their bathroom cleaned. We can discuss price to see what we can agree on. I’m also going to be selling my desk, my dresser, and my bookcase. I need to reorganize somethings so that I can do so. I am hoping to get 20 dollars a piece for them and put that toward paying back Tyler and paying for my utilities for when I lived at the farm. I’m going to reorganize the living room today so I can sell the desk.
To be honest and open and raw with you guys I’m tired of fighting, but I’m especially tired of fighting with myself and losing. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but I’m always fighting. I’m fighting to stay open and honest. I’m fighting to have peace and happiness. I’m fighting with the recycling people at work to do their jobs so I can do mine. I’m tired of customers complaining about me when I’m just trying to do my job. I’m tired. I’m fucking tired of it all. I understand that I will have similar issues no matter where I go to work, but I’m just tired you guys. I’m tired of it all. This job isn’t what I thought it would be. I told Tyler I said I’m growing, blossoming, and changing and that’s great, but it’s not helping me to pay my bills or something like that I forget exactly how I worded it, but I have to get out of my apartment. I’m going to go by the farm on Saturday after work and go and talk to him. I’m going to text him and let him know that I am coming by and that I need to talk with him and that it’s important. I don’t want to pressure him. I want him to have all the time he needs, but I also want to make preparations so that if I can get out of the lease then I need to move quickly because I have to figure out another place to live and I need to decide on a storage unit as well. My goal is to be moved out of my apartment by September if I can get out of the lease. I think I will go ahead and email Mrs. Helm and let her know and ask her what the next step is. I’m also going to call and set a free session through work to talk to someone about some things that are going on. I think it will help to have another opinion and see what they think. They might be able to give me some other options.
Well that’s all for now. I’ll keep you guys updated on what’s going on. I’m just glad I do have a job though until I find something else. Take care and I love you guys. Have a great day!
Love you guys,