Good morning! I’m feeling a little worried this morning mainly about money, but I have such beautiful thoughts that I’m trying not to think about it. Oh man yesterday was a rough day, but I made it through. I had to let Nate down in a not nice way. He just wasn’t getting the message that I wasn’t interested. He was truly upset. I could tell. I could tell and the more I thought about it the more I’m convinced that he liked me. I’m trusting my instincts on this and I know I’m right. He tried to set me up with others at work and I’m like I’m not interested. I tried to tell him I was interested in someone and that I was not available, but he didn’t want to listen so now he knows that I’m telling the truth. Now not only does he know that I’m telling the truth, but that I’m serious about it. I’m so glad. I like Nate, but he’s just a friend and a coworker. So I’ve decided if Nate continues then I will tell Sara and let her deal with it and if he gets mad then he gets mad. I don’t really give a rat’s ass if he’s mad or not. I’m tried of him being all touchy feely and not telling me straight out that he likes me. He’s not respecting me and I don’t like it. I’ve been getting mixed signals from him for a while and I’m like what the fuck you know, but the more I think about it and especially after yesterday when I let down I’m truly convinced that he and I would not make a good couple. If he can’t respect me and come out and talk to me about how he feels then what kind of relationship is that. He’s very pushy especially when I’m upset and I’ve made it clear that I don’t want to talk about it. He’s like just pray about it. I’m like thinking don’t come me with that crap. You don’t understand where I’m coming from and you don’t care obviously. If he had been a “true” gentlemen then he would say okay I’m here if you want to talk and give me some space, but he didn’t. But after yesterday I have no interest in him especially after yesterday when I let him down and he just got really defensive and he was hurt. I understand that though. I can see it from his side and understand. I also know and you guys do to that if you’re not open and honest with someone that it’s not good. It’s not healthy. So anyway hopefully he got the message, but if he didn’t and continues then I’ll just tell Sara and I’ll let Sara talk to him. She told me that I could talk to her about it if he did something to make me uncomfortable so I will if I need to. I know that I can talk to her and it won’t go any further than just me and her.
So I don’t know if you guys remember or if I told you or not, but I remember saying that I had a feeling that Barry and I would have a chance to get to each other or talk or something soon. Well it turns out I was right. Oh man. So I didn’t get to see him much yesterday they had him working in a different section of the Recycling department. I did see him, but for like a minute at time so I decided that I would go see him. I took my lunch yesterday and after I clocked out I went back to where he was working and I talked to him for a few minutes and then I went to lunch and that was it. He smiled as soon as he saw me and we hugged. I couldn’t believe it. We haven’t hugged at all. That was the first time we hugged since we met. Normally we talk for a few minutes, but we’ve never touched each other. So I was pretty surprised when he hugged. It wasn’t a big deal. It was more of a side hug than a face to face hug so, but anyway I was happy. I’m smiling just thinking about it. So anyway like I said I left after we talked and I went to my lunch and then back to work. Well it was really hot yesterday and my legs especially my thighs and especially left thigh was really hurting really bad. So I went to get some water and sit in the break room for a minute. Well it just so happens Barry was walking by and we talked for a few minutes. He ended up inviting me to church and he said he would try and find out the name for me and let me know. I didn’t see him after that. He left at five yesterday so. But I was like what the fuck. Oh my god! I can’t believe it. I still can’t. It’s fucking awesome. This is what I’ve been waiting for and it’s happened and you know what I didn’t do anything. It all happened all on it’s own. So this tells me that Barry genuinely likes me and I think he wants to get to know me. I mean why else would he invite me? I mean there are plenty of women I’m sure at work in our department that he could talk to, but why me? I don’t know. He maybe married. He may have kids. He may be gay. He maybe has a girlfriend, but everything that has happened between us has happened all on it’s own. Neither of us have forced it. So like I said I genuinely think that he likes me just as much as I like him. I think neither of us has said anything because one we work in the same place even though we are in different departments and second we’re both usually busy working that we don’t have time to really talk. Besides I don’t want everyone there to know about us. I want us if we want to be together to decide that without everyone else sticking their nose in it. I mean I’ve done my best to make it so that no one at work knows that I like him and who knows maybe he’s done the same. But this would give us both a chance to see what the other is like outside of work and for me to let Barry know that I’m interested. I told Nate yesterday that I was interested in someone and that I didn’t want them to get the wrong idea. I didn’t mention Barry’s name, but you never know. He might have guessed. I had the feeling and I tried to ignore it, but this was a few days ago and I had the thought that maybe Barry wasn’t talking to me as much because Nate might have said something to him or something, but like I said I tried to ignore it, but I can’t. It makes me angry at the thought that he might have done that, but Barry didn’t say anything to me. It turned out Barry was having a bad day. I told you guys about how people were saying that Barry wasn’t doing his job and he clearly is. But after yesterday I had thought that again about Nate talking to Barry and trying to get him to leave me alone because he’s interested in me. I don’t know. I really want to to go with my gut, my instincts on this. Every time I go with my gut, my instincts 9 times out of 10 I’m usually right so I think I’ll go with my gut, my instincts on this one. It’s a shame really, but it is what is and if it’s meant to be nothing will stop Barry and I from being together. Like I said from what I noticed, observed, and especially after what’s happened between us yesterday I truly feel that we genuinely like one another. I just want the chance to talk to him and tell him without everyone around. Who knows maybe it will happen.
Today I’m off work and I’m off tomorrow. I’m going to do some writing for my book Fear of Abandonment. I can’t believe it’s almost done and ready to be published. I’m very excited about that. I’ve got 7 chapters left to edit and Chapter 11 that I am in the middle of re writing is almost done. I can’t fucking believe it and I’m so fucking excited. I can’t wait. I get excited just telling people about it. I’m so fucking excited.
Oh so more good news. I am going to be working at Tangle wood again. I talked with Sara and I was able to work out my schedule so I can work at Tangle wood without interfering with my work schedule for Goodwill. Robin had HR push my application through and they are just checking my background again, I have to do a drug test, and I’ve filled out the paper work they needed, and I’m also waiting on them to check references and then sometime in August I’ll be starting there. I’m very fucking excited about this. I can’t wait. I’ll only be working two days a week, but I’m excited because I need the money. I’ve also applied for a credit card through my bank because I need something so I can buy gas for my car. I’m considering another option which is the bus. It’s call Winston Salem Transit Authority and they offer a bus pass so it would cheaper than paying a dollar each time to ride the bus and it would also save me some money so I wouldn’t have to buy gas for my car. Depending on where I live there is usually a bus stop on most of the roads and most of the highways so I wouldn’t have an issue getting to work. I’m pretty excited about all this. There’s also another part-time job that I’m going to apply for. Whether I’ll get it or accept it is another story. We’ll see. I still haven’t heard from Tyler, but he and Michael won’t be back till Sunday so he won’t read the email till then and after that he’ll want to talk to me once he’s read it and he’ll decide. I’m not going to say anything. I’m going to let him decide for himself. So anyway I ‘m getting out of the house today. I’m going to the Farmer’s Market here in Winston at Old Salem. It’s awesome. I’ve been with Tyler before, but I haven’t been back since and I really want to go so I’m going even though I can’t afford the gas to go, but I’m going. I need to get out of this apartment even for a little while and I need to go the store so.
So that’s all for now. I’ll keep you updated on everything I promise. Have a wonderful day. I love you and we’ll talk soon. Take care.
Love you guys,