I emailed Tyler. It took me almost two hours to write that email. I broke down and I cried. I was completely honest with him. I asked him to live at the farm again. I swallowed my pride and I asked. I was honest with him. I was open, real, and raw. It was the most real, open, honest, and raw conversation I have ever had with them. I shared things I had been holding in. I told him some of things that have been going on in the last few weeks. I’m relived. I’m glad it’s all out in the open. I was honest with him about my feelings about Michael and becoming a bitter person toward Michael and the house. I shared with Tyler that I felt I had to earn his love and when I say that I mean that I felt I had to earn Tyler’s love. But I had to earn his love because I had to earn my mom’s love. Tyler has tried to tell me and now I see it. Tyler has tried to tell me that I don’t have to earn his love. I know and I see it now. I truly do. I understand if he says no. I’ll understand if he needs time to think about it and if he wants to talk with the other roommates. I’ll understand too. I’m putting out feelers so that if he says no I’ll have other options. I’ll figure it out. I just wanted to stop not asking people for help because of my pride. My pride is what kept me from asking him before now. I told him that too. I told him that if I did move back to the farm I would have to swallow my pride. Admitting these things wasn’t easy. But I did it because I wanted to and I’m tired of holding shit in. It gets so heavy after a while. It really does. I encourage those reading this if you are holding stuff in please don’t. It gets heavy and it stops you from getting the help you need. I have to let this stuff go and I am asking for help. I can’t do this anymore. I told Tyler and I’m telling you I’m not a hero. I’m not perfect. I’m a fucking mess, but I AM beautiful. I wouldn’t be here without Tyler and I love him. I truly do. I can’t wait to see him again and give him a huge hug and tell him how much I love him. I’m sorry I’m tearing up, but I’m not sorry because I do. I love him. I love him and Michael and my family at Bright Heart. I told Tyler Winston is my home. It’s my family. Tyler is my family. It’s the family I have built. I did. I built it. I mean that I truly did.
I am so glad I wrote this email. I’m so glad it’s all out in the open. I can’t wait to see him again and just tell him I love him and hug him. I will tell him and Michael and my whole family there at Bright heart every time I see them how much I love them. I’m truly grateful for each and everyone of them.
Thank you and I love you. Thank you for standing by me, loving me, supporting me, and encouraging me during these very rough and challenging and dark weeks I have endured. I see the light and I see a way out of the darkness. I truly do. It’s so nice and rewarding.