My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 119

Good morning. I feel great. I feel fucking great. I had a good night’s sleep and everything is great. I close today and then I’m off tomorrow. I know it’s going to be rough. Work is always rough on Saturday mornings, but we have enough people there today to help so it hopefully won’t be too bad. Yesterday was rough. I made it through only to find out that someone made a complaint about Barry. I think I told you guys that Barry is a guy that works in Recycling who I have a crush on. I like him a lot. We had a chance to talk yesterday and I asked him if he was okay. That’s when he told me someone made a complaint about him. I forget exactly what he told me, but someone basically complained and said he wasn’t doing his job. I wanted to go off. I told him I wished I knew who it was that made the complaint. It made me so fucking mad and it still does. Barry is always working. He made it clear, he made it very apparent from the moment I first met him that he was a hard worker. I see so much of myself in Barry. What I see is him being take advantage of and it’s not fair. Barry works his ass off. He works harder than anyone in that fucking department. It broke my heart to see his face. He was so sad. Barry normally smiles and is usually happy. He’s like me he’s usually tired, but he tries to put a smile on and be happy and goes through out his day. He’s very sweet. But he wasn’t smiling. It really broke my heart. I still haven’t told Barry that I like him or have asked him out. I want to, but I’m also trying to let things happen on their own. I knew something was up with him and something wasn’t right. I said a prayer for him and then later in the day we got a chance to talk. This is the second time that’s happened. This just feels different. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I feel connected to Barry. It’s strange. Normally I have a crush on someone and I do my best to impress them even though they don’t like me, but I have gotten the vibe from him occasionally that he likes me too. I did’t mention this before, but he’s also very shy. Well that’s my interpretation. I’m not sure what else to call it. He doesn’t say much, but when he does it is just so sweet and understanding and just full of power. I just wish I could do more for him, but for now I’m going to hold my piece and keep my mouth shut. I’m going to be there for him and let him talk if he needs to talk. He was leaving and he said bye to me. I said goodbye to him and I wanted to say more, but I didn’t. I held my tongue. I wish I had now, but I understand that Barry doesn’t know how I feel about him and he won’t understand till I talk to him, but for now like I said I will hold my piece.

I had amazing growth spurt yesterday. We get mattresses at work and we were all trying to figure out how to organize them. I was starting to get frustrated. Sara called for me and we worked through it together. We got it all done and she didn’t yell at me and say well you’re not doing this right or this right. She lovely told me what to do and helped me to do it. I feel so proud of myself. I’m grateful for Sara and her patience. She is so willing to help others and try to understand the other person and figure out a way to help them and also get along with them as well. I love her. I love her for that. I truly believe she sees me. I truly believe she sees the real me and she is trying to bring that out of me and challenge and stretch me. I’m past my breaking point, but she is trying to get me ready for being an Assistant Manager. Because as an Assistant Manager there’s a lot more headaches even though it’s more money. I would love to be a Store Manager one day. I never thought I would say that, but it’s true none the less. I’m still deciding on whether I should step down. I have made a decision about the apartment. I’ve done my best here and I think it’s time for me to walk away. I just have to figure out what to do and where I am going to go. I’m considering seeing if I have a friend who will let me stay with them and just put my stuff that I’m not using in storage. I’m going to start applying for part-time jobs tomorrow and try to find something and take the first thing that comes along. I need something. I need some relief. I need to get my head back on track and give myself some breathing room. I got in touch with my old roommate Corey Erba and I’m going to talk to her and see if she can give me some suggestions. Mainly I just want to vent to her and talk to her. I feel drawn to her and I feel that she’s the person I need to talk to. I have always been directed to the right people and I think she’s the one I am being directed to. It’s very evident that she’s the one that I am drawn to because when I texted her she said she was thinking of me. She even asked what was going on. I think it’s mean to be. So for now I will stay where I am at and I will figure things out. I am not going to give up. I was telling Corey one of my coworkers yesterday that I’m tired of being sad and stuff all the time. I’m going to be happy and no one is going to take that away from me. Well I said something like that. The point was is that I’m tired of being sad and depressed all the time. It doesn’t help me. It doesn’t change anything and worrying and stressing out all the time doesn’t do me any good. It doesn’t my anxiety and my depression any good and it doesn’t help if and when I’ve had an PTSD episode. I’m going to be happy and I’m not going to let anyone take that from me. I’ve got a lot to be grateful and thankful for. Things are going well. Things could be a lot worse. They really could. I’m just glad they aren’t worse. There are people who have got it a lot worse than me. I’ve met some of them at work and you know they still smile. I’m like what the fuck? I would be miserable, but no they smile and they are just happy as clams. They are just smiling and they just go on with life. They smile and they are grateful and thankful people. They don’t cause a fuss. They are the ones trying to help me do my job. It’s amazing. It really is. So I’m going to smile, be grateful, and thankful. I really am. I was reminded by a beautiful person who has done nothing, but show me love, support, encouragement, and has cheered me on that I am not alone. She is just wonderful. Her name is Betty. Betty thank you for reaching out to me. You always reach out to me when I need it. Please visit her blog if you get a chance. It’s https://guidelinesweb.wordpress.com. Betty, thank you. Thank you for reminding me that I’m never alone. Thank you all for reminding me that. I truly appreciate everyone of you.

Well that’s all for now. I’m still writing. I’m still traveling my journey; my path. I’m going to go through this and face each challenge and never give up. I will fight back. I will take my power back and I will face life head on. I’m tired. I’m tired of struggling, but that’s all apart of it. I do want to give up, but I always get up. I told a friend that I might get knocked down and I have a lot of times, but I always get up. I always get up stronger than I was before. This time I’m up and I’m determined now to get knocked down again. I will fight tooth and nail and I will get what I want. I always do.

Take care. I love you guys and have a great day. Have a fucking awesome day actually.

Love you guys. Take care. We’ll talk soon,

Kathleen