My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 118

Good morning. I’m doing my gratitude journal this morning and I’m so grateful for this journal. It’s really helped me through some shit. I’m also grateful for myself. Now I have to tell you. I would never have said that. Never. I’m grateful for everything and anything under the sun except myself. I am grateful for myself please don’t get me wrong, but I would have never put it down on paper. That’s how manipulative I was. My mom just knew what my weakness were and she used that against me to make me thing I wasn’t worth anything and she just knew that I knew would fall apart. I always fall apart when bad things happen, but this time it’s different. She’s not here to manipulate me. She’s not here to use anything against me. It’s me that’s doing it to myself. I have to work through it and find a way to not do that. If I can’t be grateful for myself then there’s something wrong. Wow! What a realization. What a mind blowing, life changing, thing to realize. I’m blossoming. I’m growing. It brings tears to my eyes. Wow! I’m so glad I realized this and now I can change and grow and be and even better person. I’m so glad I had this realization.  Yesterday was a rough day. I fought with recycling all day. I almost go into with Ron who works in recycling for something his boss told us we could do. I eventually walked away because I told him I wasn’t going to argue with him. He’s just mean, nasty, and disrespectful. I can’t believe we have someone like him working for us in that department. I’m trying not to judge him, but it’s just so hard. I’ve decided that I’m not going to try and get along with any of them. I’m going to try and work with them and that’s it. I wish I could talk with Barry though. I miss our conversations. I miss his voice and seeing him smile. I know that sounds crazy and it does. At least to me it does, but it’s true. Barry is a good man. He’s a good person and he has so much potential. He really does. I wish I could talk to his boss Brandon and or Brandon’s boss and try to get Barry a raise or something. He deserves it. He works so fucking goddamn hard and he’s treated like shit. It really bothers me. But I think Barry’s time will come I just have to wait and be patient. I will just be there for him and help him in anyway that I can. So needless to say Barry’s my favorite in that department and there are a few others. So yesterday was rough for that reason, but also because I had carried over feelings from yesterday. Sara and Nate helped me through it. Sara especially helped me. I was crying in her office, but she… She really sees me and I think she’s challenging me and trying to stretch me even more and I don’t like it. But her and I talked a long time and she’s right about a lot of things. She helped me to see that I am worth something. She’s very happy with me. She has no complaints. I ended up going and talk to Nate yesterday about Ron instead of bottling it up like I normally would. I’m so proud of myself. I am just blown away at everything that’s happened to me. The rest of the day went really well. I left and I went home. I am working today as it turns out. The schedule I was sent was wrong. I’m working 11-6 which is fine. I’m just glad I don’t have to close. I hate closing. I would rather open and be able to leave early or do a mid-shift and leave before 8. I’m just glad it’s Friday as well. I did write yesterday. I wrote another play. I started it anyway. I didn’t really feel like writing, but once I got on you tube and did some research and watched clips of my favorite couples from different things I came up with a whole story and started to write. I feel better when I’m writing. I feel like I can truly explain myself and be able to peel and pull back the layers. I went for a long drive last night and I talk out loud to myself and plan out ideas for the plays and stuff I’m currently writing. I’ve done that for my book Fear of Abandonment as well and it’s sequel. I talk to myself in my car all the time. It’s also a great way for me to peel back the layers and take a look at myself. I think how you talk to yourself is important. I want to tell myself good things. I’m tried of telling myself bad things and negative things. So I did that I feel much better. The drive was nice. There are a lot of back roads where I live and it’s a nice drive, but especially at night. I love it. I really do.

I have started to look at part-time jobs. I have only research two places. I just looked to see if I could find anything. I’m off Sunday so I’m going to look for some more stuff. I also want to see if I can get together with Corey Erba and talk with her about somethings. I feel like she would be a good person to kind of help me. I’m going to text her and talk to her about getting together. I feel like that other than Tyler that she really gets me and she’s just very sweet.

Well that’s all for now. I love you guys and I’ll keep you updated. Take care and have a great day. We’ll talk soon.

Love you guys,

Kathleen

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8 thoughts on “My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 118

  1. I’m so happy to hear you are realizing that you have the strength to handle these things! I am so proud of you for all the good work, Kathleen!!!! Every baby step is a milestone and you can and are gaining big time through each and every challenge along the way! Did you ever read or hear “The Little Engine That Could”, as a child? It was one of my favorites to read to my children. The bigger engines bullied him and taunted him because he was so much smaller than them, making him feel so unsure of himself. But in the end, he won out, pulling this huge load, that the bigger engines couldn’t, up a steep hill. How he did it was by giving it all he had and refusing to give up, chanting all the way up the mountain, “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…”. Finally, he reached the top and started going downhill faster and faster. Smiling this big smile, he called out to all the big Engines as he passed them by, “I knew I could, I knew I could, I new I could!” Of course, it’s just a children’s story. But, it is such a good example of what any one of us can do. We can accomplish anything we truly want to, if we only take it to HEART, determine to do so and don’t give up on ourselves. I believe in you and I know in my HEART that you can create a wonderful life for yourself! Have a pleasant evening, Dear. Angel Hugs and very much Love. Betty

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    1. Thank you. You are so sweet. Yes I have heard that story when I was growing up. I never read it, but I’ve heard of it and you’re right. You are absolutely right. I can make a wonderful life for myself. It’s hard sometimes because I am faced with so many challenges I just get overwhelmed and that’s normal I’m sure, but for someone like me when I face challenges I feel that I am facing them times 10. Everything has always been hard for me, but sometimes I made it harder on myself than I should have, but sometimes things are just hard, but sometimes they are meant to be. I am grateful for my coworkers and my boss and my family and friends who care about me so much. I am honored to have you in my life. You mean so much to me. Thank you for always encouraging me and supporting me and loving me. You always reach out to me when I need it most and I truly appreciate that you are so in tuned to what is going on around you that you are able to do that. I truly appreciate that. I love you. Thank you and I wish you a pleasant evening as well.

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  2. My Dear, I understand what it is like to go through what you are going through because I have been there myself. I would hope to save you some of the torment, some of the struggle by sharing the insights I have gained in the process, but It is always our own personal Journey and no one else can take it for us. Yes, it is hard. But the hard parts are the very ones that will transform you and through your transformation, your entire world will change! Through your transformation, you will inspire so many others to do the same that you will never even know you touched! You will change lives for the better – even save lives along the way! You will work miracles, just by walking by a person. It all sounds too fantastic to believe. Nevertheless, it is true! In the meantime, I can send you Love and, hopefully, words of encouragement. Although I can’t do the work for you, nor can anyone (!), I can cheer you on and that I AM willing to do lovingly. I never had that support and felt so alone in my Journey. I hope you know I AM here for you and truly care – that it does make a difference for you to know that. Good night and sweet dreams and may you wake up tomorrow refreshed and encouraged, ready and able to face the world with Love in your HEART and a smile on your face. Angel Hugs and very much Love. 💞xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reaching out. You’re right. I know you are. I’m sorry you had to go through that part of your journey; your path alone. That’s so unfair. Thank you for being here. Thank you for loving me, supporting me, and encouraging me, and most of all thanks for cheering me on. Thank you and I hope you had a good night. I feel really great this morning. I truly appreciate you. I love you!

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  3. Thank you for your compassionate response, Dear. That is so kind of you! I have healed so well that I now very seldom even think of the past and when I do it’s most often with such detachment that its no more than an evaluation of information. That’s when you know the emotional charge is truly gone! When I was your age, there was no internet and people didn’t recognize nor discuss such topics. Everything was either ignored or covered up – definitely not talked about, even privately. I was in my 30’s when I read a book about Edgar Cayce. I found it fascinating! Then I accidentally came upon a book about Astrology in the Library. Next, it was Reincarnation. (In those days, this kind of information was not readily available!) Being raised a Christian, I was skeptical. Yet, something egged me on and I couldn’t help but want to understand more. These saved my life! Literally! It helped me to feel there is a Justice to it all and that we create our own life experience. That not only did our parents do the best they knew how, but that we chose them in the fist place even before we were born! Now, I can look back and see all the help I had along the way from Higher Consciousness Beings and that there is a pattern of perfection behind the seeming Chaos. I don’t suggest that you or anyone else should do as I did, or believe as I do, for each has their own path to follow. Just that this is how I personally found my way through the Darkness and into the Light. I offer this information in order to serve as an example, that if I could do it anyone else can! Most certainly, you can! You will discover you own unique way of healing yourself in the process, as you journey on.
    I wish you a truly wonderful day, overflowing with exciting “Aha!” moments. Sending you Angel Hugs and a Heart full of Love. 💞xxx

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