Good morning. I’m doing my gratitude journal this morning and I’m so grateful for this journal. It’s really helped me through some shit. I’m also grateful for myself. Now I have to tell you. I would never have said that. Never. I’m grateful for everything and anything under the sun except myself. I am grateful for myself please don’t get me wrong, but I would have never put it down on paper. That’s how manipulative I was. My mom just knew what my weakness were and she used that against me to make me thing I wasn’t worth anything and she just knew that I knew would fall apart. I always fall apart when bad things happen, but this time it’s different. She’s not here to manipulate me. She’s not here to use anything against me. It’s me that’s doing it to myself. I have to work through it and find a way to not do that. If I can’t be grateful for myself then there’s something wrong. Wow! What a realization. What a mind blowing, life changing, thing to realize. I’m blossoming. I’m growing. It brings tears to my eyes. Wow! I’m so glad I realized this and now I can change and grow and be and even better person. I’m so glad I had this realization. Yesterday was a rough day. I fought with recycling all day. I almost go into with Ron who works in recycling for something his boss told us we could do. I eventually walked away because I told him I wasn’t going to argue with him. He’s just mean, nasty, and disrespectful. I can’t believe we have someone like him working for us in that department. I’m trying not to judge him, but it’s just so hard. I’ve decided that I’m not going to try and get along with any of them. I’m going to try and work with them and that’s it. I wish I could talk with Barry though. I miss our conversations. I miss his voice and seeing him smile. I know that sounds crazy and it does. At least to me it does, but it’s true. Barry is a good man. He’s a good person and he has so much potential. He really does. I wish I could talk to his boss Brandon and or Brandon’s boss and try to get Barry a raise or something. He deserves it. He works so fucking goddamn hard and he’s treated like shit. It really bothers me. But I think Barry’s time will come I just have to wait and be patient. I will just be there for him and help him in anyway that I can. So needless to say Barry’s my favorite in that department and there are a few others. So yesterday was rough for that reason, but also because I had carried over feelings from yesterday. Sara and Nate helped me through it. Sara especially helped me. I was crying in her office, but she… She really sees me and I think she’s challenging me and trying to stretch me even more and I don’t like it. But her and I talked a long time and she’s right about a lot of things. She helped me to see that I am worth something. She’s very happy with me. She has no complaints. I ended up going and talk to Nate yesterday about Ron instead of bottling it up like I normally would. I’m so proud of myself. I am just blown away at everything that’s happened to me. The rest of the day went really well. I left and I went home. I am working today as it turns out. The schedule I was sent was wrong. I’m working 11-6 which is fine. I’m just glad I don’t have to close. I hate closing. I would rather open and be able to leave early or do a mid-shift and leave before 8. I’m just glad it’s Friday as well. I did write yesterday. I wrote another play. I started it anyway. I didn’t really feel like writing, but once I got on you tube and did some research and watched clips of my favorite couples from different things I came up with a whole story and started to write. I feel better when I’m writing. I feel like I can truly explain myself and be able to peel and pull back the layers. I went for a long drive last night and I talk out loud to myself and plan out ideas for the plays and stuff I’m currently writing. I’ve done that for my book Fear of Abandonment as well and it’s sequel. I talk to myself in my car all the time. It’s also a great way for me to peel back the layers and take a look at myself. I think how you talk to yourself is important. I want to tell myself good things. I’m tried of telling myself bad things and negative things. So I did that I feel much better. The drive was nice. There are a lot of back roads where I live and it’s a nice drive, but especially at night. I love it. I really do.
I have started to look at part-time jobs. I have only research two places. I just looked to see if I could find anything. I’m off Sunday so I’m going to look for some more stuff. I also want to see if I can get together with Corey Erba and talk with her about somethings. I feel like she would be a good person to kind of help me. I’m going to text her and talk to her about getting together. I feel like that other than Tyler that she really gets me and she’s just very sweet.
Well that’s all for now. I love you guys and I’ll keep you updated. Take care and have a great day. We’ll talk soon.
Love you guys,