My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 117

Good morning! Oh man yesterday was the worse day in the history of my life. I’ve had bad days, but nothing like this. This one just took everything out of me. Everything that could have happened well it happened times eternity. It was pretty bad. My anxiety got worse as I got to work. It made realize something though. It made me realize a lot of things. The first thing I realized is that I can’t do this job. I love my job. I love being a manager, but I can’t do it. Let me rephrase that. I can do the job, but I can’t handle it. I can’t handle it mentally and emotionally. I can’t handle mentally and emotionally being a manager. It’s a lot of responsibility. I can’t handle that. For me to admit that is huge. For me to admit that and not feel like a fucking failure because I can’t accomplish something is huge too. 3 1/2 months ago I wouldn’t have been able to do that. I’m so proud of myself. Second I realized that I can’t live in this apartment. As much as I love it and I love having my own space. I can’t be on my own. I need people around. I want to be apart of a community and feel like I’m apart of something. I also would like to have my own space as well. So I have to find what works for me. For me to admit that too is huge. Wow so much growth just in those two things. Wow!!! I feel tired just saying it. I emailed Tyler last night and I told him I was done lying and wearing masks. That’s how I feel. I feel like I’m lying to everyone about the fact that I love my job and my apartment. Even though in some respects I’m not because I do it’s just I can’t handle my job mentally and emotionally and I can’t handle being on my own because it’s not what I really want. It’s taken me 3 1/2 months to figure out what’s right and what’s wrong for me. In these 3 1/2 almost four months I’m finding the things that work for me. I’m finding that my job and my apartment are not working for me. So you’re thinking what are you going do? I told Tyler and I’ll tell you. The hell if I know. I’m being open and honest and really raw with you I don’t know what I’m going to do. The nice thing is I have a lot of options. I really do. So I just have to sort through them all and figure out what I want to do. I’m not worried about the apartment. I can always get out of the lease because I’ve done that before with the apartment in Asheboro and with my job that’s not a problem either because I can keep my job for now and I can transfer if I decided I want to move to a different store. I don’t want to leave Goodwill. It’s a great place to work and it’s been a great experience for me. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve been challenged and I told Nate yesterday I’m past my breaking point. I’m really being stretched there. Growth is hard, it’s painful, and it hurts. I told Tyler in my email last night that I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. But I also told Tyler that I’m not lying anymore and I’m not wearing masks anymore. I love my job and my apartment, but they are just not things that work for me. I have to figure out what works for me. So my first thing I want to do is I want to get a part-time job. I need to earn some extra money so if I decide to move from apartment before my lease is up then I have some money set aside and I can work around my full-time schedule. I just have to find the right fit and it would also help until I can get my book published and people actually start buying it. I know it will sell, but it will take time. I need to do something. I’ll keep you guys posted on what happens. Like I said I have a lot of options and I want to go through each of them carefully. I want to find the right fit and things that make me happy and I want to find what works for me. There are some places hiring which is nice and I can charm them and figure out what will work. I’m very excited about that. Do I like the idea of working a part-time job? No not really, but I have to do what I have to do. Today I open and I’m so glad. We didn’t make goal last night, but I don’t really care to be honest. I am being honest. I don’t care. I don’t give a rat’s ass not after what I went through last night. I actually had a customer to feel bad for me because I was so tired and that I was the only one there other than 3 other people. But anyway today is a new day. I’m opening today and I’m glad. I get to see Sara. I’m not saying anything to her yet until I go through all my options. I may still decide I want to move up in the company. If I moved up to Assistant Manager that would increase my salary, but after yesterday I’m not sure. I don’t think I will. I know I won’t. But you know I might change my mind. It’s an option though I am going to consider it just like all my other ones.

So today is a new day. Other than I’m tired I feel good for right now. I’m going to take this just minute by minute for today. After yesterday I’m taking any chances. Sometimes I’m fine and sometimes I’m not. It just depends on the day. It’s day like today and yesterday especially yesterday that make me so fucking angry at people who don’t believe that things like anxiety, depression, PTSD, and everything that fits under this umbrella they don’t believe it exists. Well it fucking does. It’s so fucking real. It’s not in my mind. It’s real and people who don’t have it don’t understand and if they did they would feel the same as I do and they would feel the same as others they know who have it. They would that it’s real. It is real. The abuse I suffered and those who were sexually abused it’s real. Anyone that’s suffered any type of abuse it’s real. I can’t believe people have the nerve to say it doesn’t exists. It makes me so fucking angry. It really does. Okay I’m done now. I’ll get off my soap box. I just had to say that and get that out. So like I said today is a new day. I have my movie rental I have to take back to the place where I got it. Eventually I’m going to buy the movie Split because it’s one I want to add to my collection. But anyway today is a new day. I’m going to be grateful for that.

I’ll keep you guys posted on everything and you’ll be the first ones to know what I decide and when I decide to do whatever the fuck I’m going to do. Seriously though I’ll let you guys know. I know that no matter what you’ll love me, accept me, support, and encourage me every step of the way and offer advice as well.

I love you guys so much. Thank you for being you and encouraging me to do the same. Have a great day and we’ll talk soon.

Love you guys,

Kathleen

P.S. I put a picture of me and my sisters, a picture of Hank, a picture of the flowers I found so beautiful in Blowing Rock and a picture of Hank’s place that I stayed at while I was in Boone on my vacation because these things make me happy. They make me feel happy and lighthearted. Enjoy them!

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8 thoughts on “My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 117

  1. It’s a lot of responsibility to be on one’s own, to have to worry about earning enough money to pay the bills and buy the food, etc. To start out on your own and take on a new job with the responsibilities of a manager at the same time is doubly stressful and it has to be really scary at times, too! Anyone would feel the things you are feeling in your position. It takes time to develop that sense of security that a stable life situation brings.

    I know you can do anything you really want to do with all your HEART! You really can, Kathleen. So its good to face these fears and work through them like you are doing. Then you can act on what you feel in your HEART is best for you without any doubts or feelings of having failed.

    I am rooting for you all the way, Dear! You have strengths you haven’t even dreamt you have just waiting to be discovered! And you will find that as you do begin to recognize them, that each one comes with its own reward – like bonus points! No effort ever goes unrewarded.

    I Believe in you and want to encourage you to believe in yourself. Because once you have taken that power back, no one can ever take it away from you again!
    May you be Blessed in every way.
    I Love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love when I have epiphanies like that and I just come right out with it like you did and say, you know what, I’m not happy where I am, and I need a change. I don’t even view it as lying before when you said you were happy. I would saay you were trying very hard to make the best of the situation. But accepting and admittting that this is all too much is huge growth because then you can move forward in a different direction that makes you happy.
    I make lists. Pros, cons, a, b, and c. Of what I want and what I don’t and where I feel like I can compromise to get
    A if I want that the most.
    I wish you well with lots of love

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do too. You know that’s true. I didn’t think of it or see it that way, but I have to agree with you about that. I think perhaps I was trying to make the best of the situation. I think I will make lists like you suggested. I think that’s a good idea. I love to make lists. Thank you for your loving and kind words and your support. Without it I wouldn’t be here. I love you!

      Like

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