Good morning one and all. I hope everyone is doing well. I’m up and at it this morning. I folded my clothes from doing my laundry yesterday and I’ve already had my coffee. It’s been a good morning so far. I’m expecting my best friend Adam this evening. He’s coming over to visit. I’m very excited. I’m going to head over to the farm in a little bit. I know no one will be up yet, but I just want to sit on the back porch in Corrie Malone’s chair and journal a little. I love sitting on the back porch at the farm and journaling. The backyard has a beautiful view. You can also see the entrance way to immateria. I love it. I really do. I may go down and see her today. I haven’t decided yet. I’m going to take my phone and take pictures for you guys so you can see the view and if I go down to immateria I’ll post pictures of that as well.
I have good news. I finally finished putting my book together. I just want to do one last edit to make sure it’s what I want and then I will publish it. I’m so excited. I can’t believe it’s going to be published. I got to thinking. I tried not to think about it, but yesterday I was thinking as I was putting my book together that there are going to be parts of me that will be revealed to the world. I think to myself that once I publish my book that I can’t take it back. Let me explain because I know you’re thinking what? Since I moved to Winston I have become a very private person. I don’t tell everyone my business anymore and I have cut out a lot and I say a lot of drama so I don’t have to be involved in and listen to it anymore. A lot of my trouble was that I was always caught up in the drama of things and I just couldn’t say no to people. Well of course that’s all changed now. But anyway. Not many people know what you guys know and some of these pieces are very dark and very deep and very personal. A lot of them are about me and feelings I have about certain people. I’m afraid that once this book gets published those people will read it and they will know all about how I feel about them and I’m going to tell you it’s not pretty. These are pretty serious feelings, but I’m not ashamed of my feelings because I wrote them at a time when I was a in dark place, but even though I’ve come along way since then it’s how I felt and I’ve learned from Bethany Kays my fellow blogger that I need to feel what I feel and not be ashamed of it. I appreciate her teaching me that. I learned that from her story and because of her and her story and her willingness to share how she feels I was able to share my story about my abuse and to go on with my life and to forgive my mother for what she did to me. So in other words I have no regrets, none. It’s just something I was thinking about yesterday. I’m still going to publish the book. One I need the money and second and more importantly I’m publishing this book because I want to be a author and this is a way for me to reach more people and to help more people and tell people who are just like me that they don’t have to struggle, that they can have a life. It’s a way for me to tell them that even though I was abused by the person who I thought loved me that I was able to pick myself back up and make something of myself. I’m very proud of myself and all that I’ve accomplished. I have no regrets. I don’t tell many people that I’m writing a book because I get the reaction wow. It’s like they think I’m not capable of it or something or they don’t believe me. I don’t know if they actually do or not, but honestly I don’t give a rat’s ass if they do or not. I’m me and that’s the most important thing. I will not lie about who I am anymore. I did that for 30 years and now I’m 31 years old and I’m not lying anymore. I just chose very wisely who I tell things to and who I don’t and I keep my life private. I have family and friends who I tell things to and that’s it. I may tell a stranger something, but it’s not a big deal because it’s something I would tell stranger. I find it’s easier for me to not feel obligated to tell people things especially strangers when I keep my life private. I don’t share personal details at work. I may tell Nate or Sara or Nelva and I may even tell someone else, but I don’t really share my personal details. I trust Nate so I may tell him something, but I don’t tell him details. I just tell him that I have some personal stuff going and that I’ll be okay. I’ve told him that in the past. The thing is Nate respects that. He doesn’t pry. No one else does either and I don’t pry if I ask someone if they’re okay and they tell me they are. Even though I know they are not telling me the truth. I can sense it and see it on their face, but I won’t pry and I won’t judge them because it’s none of my business. If they want to vent to me then they can, but I don’t force people. I remember one day Barry who I have a crush on at work vented me and I listened. He really appreciated that and when I vented to him one day he listened and I truly appreciated that. I didn’t force him and he didn’t force me. The fact that he listened at all and that he tried to understand it from my side is one of the main reason that I like him so much. He’s just very sweet and he’s very understanding. He’s more understanding than any male I’ve ever met. It’s awesome.
Yesterday was a good day. Today is going to be a good day. I feel it in my bones. I’ve been inspired. I was in a beautiful creative space yesterday. It was hard for me to be out and about because I was just in a creative writing mood. I got a pizza Sunday night for dinner because I didn’t feel like cooking and I got a deal where I got a pizza and a free movie rental. Well I’ve always wanted to see this movie Split. It’s starts James Mcavoy. I love him. He’s one of my favorite actors. I love this movie. It’s my favorite. It’s James Mcavoy’s best movie in my opinion. He does a great job. I watched it twice and I’m going to watch it again. So after I finished my book and getting it all ready I started to write a play based on the movie. I was just really inspired. It’s called I’m All Alone and it’s about a man who has two personalities stuck inside him. He has a young lady named Alice working for him. She’s worked for him for ten years and she knows he has these personalities inside him. She’s known for ten years. Everyone else thinks he’s crazy, but she is very quiet. She’s very shy and she’s very understanding. She’s been abused by her Aunt her mom’s sister. Her mother died when she was young and her mother was a Shrink. She specialized in helping people like Alice’s boss. So Alice knows what to do and how to say things and how to act. Her boss’ name is Mr. Dennis, but his other personality is Simon and Simon is in love with Alice. He likes her a lot. Alice likes Simon as well.. She doesn’t get to talk to him often, but she likes him. Mr. Dennis however knows that Alice knows about him or he suspects. Alice doesn’t want to tell him of course that she knows. It’s very exciting. I can’t wait to see what happens. I just started writing it yesterday. I generally try to focus on my books on my days off, but I felt inspired. During the week when I’m working I generally write a play to keep my creative juices flowing and I just love to write. I want to be writing something all the time. If I wasn’t working I would be writing. I love to write. It’s my safe place and it’s a place where I feel creative and I feel that I can be myself. It’s wonderful. Today I’m going to work on my book Fear of Abandonment. I’m very excited about the book now that I’ve taken it in a different direction. Since I decided to write about the verbal abuse I suffered at my mother’s hand I feel really inspired and I feel a lot better about the book.
Well that’s all for now. I’ll keep you guys updated on everything. I love you and have a great day. We’ll talk soon.
Love you guys,
P.S. Posting a picture of me and my best friend Adam. I love him so much. He’s a very sweet man and without him I wouldn’t have moved to Winston. He’s so awesome in my book. I love him very deeply.