My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 113

Good morning. I had a great night’s sleep and I woke up and got out of bed and everything was fine. All of a sudden I found myself struggling. It’s been a rough few weeks. This week and last week especially. I feel like I’ve been hit with one thing after another. I feel like someone is just taking a two by four and is hitting me over and over again. It’s just so fucking hard to stand up on my own two feet. I’ve pushed through and made it through though, but this morning I’m really struggling. I’m using the tools in my toolkit and I’m pushing through. I’m off tomorrow and Tuesday for the 4th of July and I’m glad. I was doing my gratitude journal and I literally broke down in tears. I wrote how grateful I was even though I was in tears. I’m just so tired. My stomach is in knots. I hate working Sundays because I’m alone all day and I have to figure stuff out on my own. This day and this day only makes me question myself as a manager and whether I can do this job. It’s just so hard. I’ve got a good team to work with and they are so helpful. Everything will be fine, but I’m just struggling. I can’t seem to get my head around it. I’m tempted to call Nate and tell him I’m sick and see if I’ll come and cover me. I would work for him on Monday instead. But I can’t. It wouldn’t be truthful. You hear people say they are at their breaking point and they can’t take anymore well I’m past my breaking point and I’m saying I can’t take anymore. Yesterday was the day from hell. Recycling they are just so damn lazy. I feel sorry for the ones that are actually working and do their best. I have nothing, but compassionate for those people. The others I have no compassion for. They are just lazy. One of them decided to take pictures of me and one of my guys and our backroom instead of doing his job. It’s crazy. I’m like thinking what the fuck. I didn’t say anything to him. If I had I would have lost my fucking job yesterday. He’s not worth losing my job over. I told Nelva about it and I’m going to let her handle it. I’m not going to say anything. I don’t get paid enough to put up with that aggravation. That’s just fucking ridiculous. It’s fucking bullshit is what it is. It makes me so fucking mad. I work so damn hard and so do my fellow coworkers we don’t deserve this. We really don’t. Nate called yesterday to check and see how we did the day before. I wonder why he called because he’s never called me before. I think he does like me and does care about me, but he won’t voice why I don’t know. I’m getting mixed signals from him and it’s very confusing. However I decided not to say anything. I don’t have time for that. I’m going to let things happen organically and if he wants me he’s going to have to tell me. I’m not a mind reader and I don’t appreciate the mixed signals.  I’ve been doing quite a bit of writing. I work on my books on my days off and in between my days off I write my blog and I write plays and research youtube for inspiration. I love youtube. That’s my go to place. I don’t know how much tv you guy watch, but I don’t have cable so a lot of my shows I watch on youtube because there are fans who put the clips of the shows I watch on youtube. Well there’s one in particular that I relate to very well. I like this show called Shadowhunters. I’ve never read the books, but I would like to. Anyway there’s a relationship on that show I relate to very well. There’s a man named Magnus and he is dating a Shadowhunter called Alec. I relate to Magnus because Magnus is judged very harshly by others and he has a deep, hurtful, dark past. Magnus is a very beautiful person and he’s very strong and he’s very powerful. Magnus is a Warlock. I’m not sure what that is, but he’s a magical person who is immortal. He feels things very deeply and he has a hard time when he loses someone he loves. I relate to Magnus because I feel the same way his character does and I love his hair. His hair cut is where I got the inspiration from to get mine done like that. A fan of him made a video about him on youtube and I felt that I needed to watch it so I did and that’s when I broke down in tears. I’m grateful for who I am and I can’t and won’t change for anyone. Magnus says in the video I am who I am and he explains that he won’t change. I love it. It really helped me. I want to be an inspiration to others and help people. I really do and I know that I am. But today I just feel defeated. I’m tired. I’m tired and I just feel fucking defeated. I will push through and I will make it. I have a good crew that I working with today and we will make goal and everything will be fine. I just feel defeated. I’m heading over to the farm on Tuesday and I will talk to Tyler. I just need a hug from him really, but I just want to talk to him and see him and hear his voice. He always makes me so happy. He really does. He’s my best friend. I love him. I don’t care what the world says about him and I don’t care who judges him because he’s gay and he’s this and that and the other. He’s my best friend and he’s the person that helped me to be who I am today so why would I judge him? Why would I hate him as the world does? Fuck the world. Fuck the world and what their opinion is. I don’t judge anyone. I accept everyone for who they are. I love everyone unconditionally especially my family and my friends. I care deeply about things. I care about everyone and their wellbeing. It makes me happy to see others happy. It’s who I am. I won’t fucking change. So to the world here’s what I have to say to you: FUCK YOU!!!

Just had to say that. I hate the world and their opinions of me and of others. The other thing I love about Magnus’ character is that he has taken other people under his wing and helps them because no one helped him when he discovered his powers as a Warlock. I feel that I take people under my wing and help them because no one helped me when I needed it. I don’t want anyone to feel that they are alone. I have felt alone for 30 years. At 31 I don’t feel alone anymore. I had so many people to help me, but before that I didn’t. I had to be this and I had to be that for someone to help me. I had to be something I wasn’t. I had to lie and I’m tired of lying. For 30 years I lied about who I was that’s just fucking crazy. No one should have to go through that. I won’t let anyone feel like they are alone. I won’t let anyone feel like they have to lie about who they are. I won’t do that. I will inspire and encourage others because I want to be there for them. Even though no one was there for me I will be there for these people. So whoever you are I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I love you with an unconditional love and I care deeply for you. I will not be physically to hold your hand and help you through, but I will be with you in spirit and I will help you. I will listen when you need to vent and I will help you through by being your friend and encouraging you and supporting you even when we don’t agree.

I love you my friends. Take care and have an awesome day. We’ll talk soon.

Love you guys,

Kathleen