I want to say good morning. I want to say it’s a good morning, but I can’t. I won’t lie to you. I will be open and honest. It’s not a good morning. I’m struggling. I’m crying and I’m falling apart. I want to do so much today. I have cleaning and stuff I have to do. My kitchen is a mess. There is so much stuff in there, but it is what it is. I’m struggling. I’m falling apart and I have to deal with that. I’m listening to my go to song when I’m struggling and that’s helping me. I’m also going to go back to the farm and go to immateria. Immateria is a place where I have let a lot of shit go and it’s this beautiful place. You have to be there to see it. I’ll have to take a picture sometime and show it to you because it’s a beautiful place. For me it’s a magical place where the magic happens. Like I said I’ve let a lot of shit go there. I feel safe there. I feel I can be myself there. There’s just something about it. I love it. It’s surrounded by trees and there’s creek there with this beautiful overgrowth of vines and leaves and such with a beautiful waterfall. Well it’s not really a waterfall, but that’s what it is to me. It’s just beautiful. The grandmother tree is there. The grandmother tree is very special to me. She looks over immateria and I’ve offered prayers and blessings to her and they have always helped me. Tyler’s grandmother was a big part of his life and my grandmother was a big part of my life so I think that fits very well. I think because of that the grandmother tree is why that tree is a big part of immateria and it’s the most beautiful thing about immateria among other things.
Work was rough yesterday. I had another customer complain about me to my boss Nelva. I’m thinking to myself: I just want to do my job. I’m tired of people asking me stupid questions that they have no business asking and that I don’t know the answers to. But I didn’t say that. Nelva and I had a heart to heart chat. It’s the most real she’s been with me. She’s usually very impersonal, but yesterday she was real with me. I couldn’t believe it. It was nice to see that side of her. She wants to help me. Her and Sara both are trying to help me move up in the company. It’s weird because I never said anything to them about wanting to be an assistant manager, but both of them have said something to me about it. Maybe I just give off that energy I don’t know. But Nelva noticed that I’m a hard worker. I’ve always been a hard worker. I’ve always had to work my ass off to impress the boss because if I didn’t I would never be considered for anything and because of my hard work I never was. But this feels different. I think Nelva is and I know Sara is for a fact because she told me, but I believe they both are satisfied with me and how I’m doing. They are both willing to come to me from a place of love and respect and tell me the truth in an open and honest way. They are willing to be vulnerable and help me when they see struggling. I’m crying as I write this because no one and I mean no one has ever done for me in job setting. None of my bosses wanted to help me succeed. They said they did, but they lied. Sara and Nelva both see my potential and they want me to succeed. They want to help me. I just have to be open and honest and let them help me. That’s not easy for me to do, but if I want to succeed you have to have an open heart and an open mind and learn to take the bad with the good. This is hard for me because I don’t like to ask for help and second I’ve never had anyone to want to help me succeed in the workplace, but also just help me to be a better person. They are both pushing me and challenging me, but from a place of love and respect. It’s almost like what Tyler does. Tyler is always challenging me, but from a place of love and respect. I’m very grateful for Sara and Nelva. I’m surprised that I haven’t been fired. But there is a reason that I haven’t. I’m at goodwill for a purpose. I’m not sure what that purpose is, but I’m there. I just feel sometimes like today for instance that I’m so far from where I want to be. I have dreams and goals and then I get so busy with other things that I look and I’m so far where I want to be and I’m nowhere near where I really wanted to be. But maybe that’s because I’m right where I am supposed to be. But I don’t feel that way. Goodwill offered tuition help for those who are thinking about going back to school. You have to be full-time and you have to be there for six months. Well I’m full-time and my six month anniversary is November 8th. So I decided I’m going to go back to school. I’m going to go to the community college here in Winston. I want to get a degree and work with children. I would love to work for the state again. I want to work with the school system again, but as a teacher assistant. It’s something I’ve wanted to do and looked into before. The tuition help that Goodwill offers is 2,000 dollars and they also offer scholarships. I’ve done my research already and I know how long it will take me to complete the program. I have to stay with Goodwill for that long, but that’s okay. I think it will be worth it. Once I get my degree then I can use that and also have my massage therapy as well. I am looking at study for the test again and I’m going to pass it this time. I’m going to get what I need and help I need to the the MBLEx and pass it. Tyler has a friend who is a PA who I can ask questions if I need it. I might also get some other help as well. I’ll keep you posted on all of that. I just know that I don’t want to work for someone else my entire life. I want to start to begin to lay the groundwork to make a foundation for me to become a self-employed business owner.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for being there. Thanks for loving me. Thanks for letting me be open and honest with you. I hope that in all this that this inspires someone else. I want to give hope to you that even if you are struggling there is a life for you. Yes I am struggling today, but I am hopeful. I am beautiful, strong, brilliant, fantastic, charming, motivational, loved, adored, cherished, treasured, funny, and so on and you know what so are you…
Love you guys,