My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 104

Good morning! I’m very happy. I’m closing tonight and then I open tomorrow and then I’m off for two days. I’m just trying to get through tonight and tomorrow. I have  a lot of stuff to do. I have a lot to do on Sunday. Monday I will be in Asheboro doing my phone and then I will be cleaning the bathroom at the farm as well. I’m going over to the farm on Saturday to hang out for a time and see about the mattress. Corey Erba is giving her twin mattress and boxspring to me. I’m very excited about it. She was suppose to come over yesterday with the boys, but they didn’t come over. I hope they don’t come over today because I won’t be here. Besides Tyler is working and Michael can’t do this by himself. Anyway I’m not worried. I’ll get it at some point.

Work was rough yesterday. One of my coworkers from the other department got mad about the tables blocking his way and he picked up the tables and got mad. He picked up the tables and slammed them down. I was so embarrassed to have one of my community service workers standing there. I was like that was unnecessary and Nelva my boss agreed with me. I was like really. I went to the bathroom to calm down because I was really ready to go off on someone. Actually I really wanted to cry. No one noticed my absence. I came back and everything had calmed down. I managed to calm myself down. I had a conversation in my head with the other coworker from the same department that I was having trouble with. Fortunately he left and someone else was doing his job. I really question whether I can do this job. I know what’s expected of me, but I just wonder if I can do this job. Sometimes everything is okay, but sometimes it isn’t. I think being a manager isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

I have a confession to make. In a post back or two I came out to guys and told you that I was BI and then I decided that I made peace with the fact that I couldn’t be BI and be a Christian. Well I was on youtube last night watching a relationship that I am very fond of. It’s from one of my favorite soaps called Coronation Street. It’s a British soap. I had stopped watching this relationship. It’s a long story why I stopped, but I won’t go into that. So anyway I was watching a clip last night and what it boils down to is I ended up posting about it on my twitter. But I went back on my twitter and deleted the posts and reposted it and reworded what I said. You’re probably asking well what did you say? I basically came out on my twitter. Well I had to unfollow a friend because I didn’t want people back in Asheboro to find out. So I decided to delete my posts, repost and reword what I said because I decided I didn’t really want to come out on social media. I didn’t think that was in my best interest. None of my family or my friends in Asheboro knows yet and I decided that I will tell who I want, when I want, and when I’m ready to tell them. I just feel so wishy washy on this subject. I want to talk to Tyler about this since he’s the first person who I told and helped me to figure all this out. I’m just so ashamed and I don’t know why. Well actually I do. My faith is making feel ashamed. I’m making me feel ashamed. I also won’t allow myself to feel something for a woman. I have had women that I’ve liked in the past, but I just don’t have anyone to share it with. Whenever I’m around straight people I just get really uncomfortable, but when I’m around people who are gay I feel quite normal. It’s crazy I’m sure, but since you are my family I know that I can share this with you and you will support me and listen to me. I feel safe here and that I can share anything with you. I think I will talk to Tyler. He can help sort my feelings out. He’s really good at listening to me and helping me to organize my thoughts. Tyler is the first person I told that I had feelings for women. I’ll never forget that conversation. It reminds in my heart. I’m tearing up as I talk about this. Have you ever felt ashamed for feeling something especially when it was something you felt strongly about? I do. I do about this. I want to be proud and be open about this, but I’m hiding and I feel disgusted with myself. I feel dirty. I feel like I’ve been raped and violated even though I have never felt any of things. Nor have experienced these things. I don’t know how else to describe it. Normally I’m okay. I justify and push it down and repress it, but last night I just couldn’t. I was outraged. I understand that his was a tv program, but it was a subject that comes up often and I think it exists in the real world, but no one wants to talk about these issues. They are taboo you might say. But that’s how I feel. No one at work knows. They might suspect, but I’ve never told them. I don’t want to. I’m afraid they would treat me differently. I strive to be open and honest with people, but I have chosen very carefully who to be open and honest with because of my past. I want to be a better person. I don’t want to be the same person I was before. I guess I have to accept who I was and that who I was will always be apart of me. But I don’t want to. I fight everyday to not be my old self. I fight so hard that at the end of the day I’m so exhausted, but I can’t sleep at night either because I’m afraid I won’t wake up when my alarm goes off. It’s a never ending cycle for me. I think this why I need some professional help because I need to break this cycle and I don’t know how to do that. This is why I struggle so much. This is my anxiety and my depression all wrapped up in a nice big bow. I hate it. It sucks. But I don’t want to take medicine. I don’t want that poison in my system. I’ve taken medicine before and it helped for awhile and then it stopped helping. Since 2013 or 2014 I haven’t taken any medicine and I fight everyday to be happy and not be anxious and depressed. I fight tooth and nail. Somedays I have good days and some days I have bad days and sometimes I have shity days and ugly days and sometimes the bad, shity, and ugly days are ugly. You guys know because I’ve been open and honest with you about those days. I was telling Shreya who is fellow blogger and a friend that this blog is my safe place to write. It’s my place where I can share my thoughts and I feel that I am understood. I don’t have to explain myself here. I don’t have to explain myself to you guys. You guys instantly get me and the reason that is is because I am open and honest with you and I am willing to accept what you say because it comes from a place of love and respect. I am not afraid of getting my feelings hurt. I am not afraid that someone is going to say something mean because you guys won’t and haven’t ever done that. Well I could go on all day. Actually I could write a novel just about this subject, but I won’t. But this is me and it’s how I feel. I live in my own head because I feel accepted there even though my head is the most dangerous part of me because that’s where my anxiety and my depression live. It’s where my real demons and my real skeletons are. I face them everyday whether I am awake or not, but it beats living in the real world. The only time I feel I can escape is when I am asleep and I’m actually not awake. Like I said it’s a never ending cycle. I just want some relief. I just want some peace and I just want some healing. But like I said this is me and if you guys are going to accept me you have to know “the real me” in order to do that.

I hope this doesn’t scare anyone or make you not want to read my posts anymore. I just want to be open and honest with you and I want you to know that I suffer in my own private hell. Yes I have good days and I’m happy and everything is alright with the world, but most of the time I’m smiling because I am unhappy and I’m trying to be happy. I’m trying to be something I not. I want to help someone else who also might be experiencing this and to let this person know that you are not alone in this. I am not alone in this either. I have friends and family who know me for who I am and truly love me unconditionally and are willing to be patient with me and help me through this. I hope this inspires someone and helps them to be the “real” them.

Take care you guys and have a great day. I love you and thanks for letting me share my deep, innermost private thoughts with you, and for accepting me for who I am.

Love you guys,

Kathleen

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9 thoughts on “My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 104

  1. My Dear Kathleen, your Blog is the best thing you can do for yourself! It really does help just to try to put our feelings into words. Most of us have had similar doubts or questions that you have raised, but just don’t talk about them. But if you really do want to find a solution, there are so many things that can help you feel better that are not normally considered.
    Number one is to Love ourselves as the Creator love us, Unconditionally – no matter what!
    Number two is to consider that you just might be an empath, one who feels the emotions of others as their own. If this is the case, it is necessary to either discover how to tell what actually is your own, and/or to learn how to center and ground one’s self. We always tend to try to find the solutions to our problems outside ourself (That is human nature!), when all the time, we have the answer within.
    Number three, what we take into our body will and does definitely affect our emotions!
    All of these things are things we can easily address and change on our own, without having to pay someone money to give us advice, or take some kind of man-made medication that will probably have side effects that will cause us even worse problems!
    The Universe has a way of filling any need we have. All we need do is ask and begin expecting an answer. It may come from a book, or something we see or hear, or it may be a thought inside our own head. It is always up to us whether we act on it or not, because of the Divine Law of Free Will. But, regardless of whether we do or not, we are always loved and cherished more than it is possible for a human being to comprehend.
    My HEART is with you, as always, in Love. Betty

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you so much for this post I needed it, I’ve been having the hardest time dealing with something I feel strongly about, some people say let go but it’s so hard too when it means something, thank you for being brave enough to put it all out there the way you do it’s gives people hope…

    It’s been said by next a lot I k ow but I truly appreciate all your work, not just the work I guess I appreciate you the person cause thru you I’ve in someway learned to appreciate myself, best wishes always my friend 💓

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re welcome my love. Thank you Cory. I truly appreciate you. You are so sweet. Thank you. I try my best to be brave. It’s not always easy. I hope that it does give people hope. That’s all I want to do.

      Like

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