Good morning! Despite my best efforts my anxiety and my depression got the better of me. It’s been a long time since I had been that depressed and it threw me for a loop. I was like really. I did manage to pull myself out of it, but it wasn’t easy. I went to the farm to see everyone and I realize that was a mistake. The farm was my home and my safe haven for almost three months and now it’s not. I felt so uncomfortable there. I didn’t like it. After an hour I went home. I felt like I was back to my old self and Tyler didn’t help. He kept offering to help and try to encourage me, but that’s not what I needed. He wouldn’t let me feel bad about myself. Which in the end now that I look back on it I’m grateful for, but at the same time I just wanted someone to listen, but Tyler can’t handle that. His life is nothing, but chaos. I can’t handle that right now. I decided that for myself that I can’t go back there right now. I promised Tyler to clean the bathroom till the end of June. So I’ll only have to go over there once a week. I can handle that. But to go over and hang out. I can’t handle that. Even if I wasn’t upset yesterday I don’t think I can handle that right now. I have to figure out what’s going on and process things myself. I need things in my life that I can control. I know that I have support and love all around me. I just need to work things out for myself. I have to build my own life. I have to do it. No one else will. So today I’m taking it moment by moment. I’m glad I’m working today. That will help me to stay focused and remember my purpose. I’m giving myself a year timeline to figure out whether I want to stay in Winston or if I want to move to Boone and pursue more schooling. I texted Hank this morning and he answered. I was surprised, but it was nice. It really made me feel good. The next time I get some time off I’m going to Boone. I really miss Hank. Even though I don’t have feelings for him anymore I still consider him a friend. He helped to realize some important things. I’m very excited about that. Next time I will cook and all that stuff when I stay there with him. Hank’s very important to me. I may not be important to him, but he’s important to me.
I am looking forward to my dad’s visit. I’m going down Friday after I clean the bathroom at the farm and spending time with my dad. My mom will be at work so I won’t have to worry about her. I’m going to text dad and see if he will get me my study books from her as well. Chris texted me to ask me about some stuff she wants to get rid of. I decided to take it. It’s stuff that I want so I’m going to take it. I went ahead and canceled my doctor’s appointment that I had for Friday about my foot. I decided once my insurance kicks in I will go to a doctor in Winston and start over. I will have them check everything to make sure everything’s okay. In the meantime I will take better care of myself and do what I have to do to heal my foot. I have my goals and things that I want to reach so I’m going to work on those. I have training on Thursday and I think once I get done. I will go home and work on some of my goals and perhaps Wednesday too. Wednesday which is tomorrow I open the store. I open by myself for the first time. I need to talk to Sara about what to do. I want to make sure I remember what to do. I’m just glad I get done at four and that Thursday I don’t have to work. I’m very excited about that.
Well that’s all for now. I will keep you guys updated on everything. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who reached out to me yesterday and the day before. I was really depressed on Sunday and yesterday especially, but without your support and love I wouldn’t have gotten through it. Thanks for the comments, support, and love for me. It’s overwhelming and it makes me feel good and makes me feel special. Thank you so much. From the bottom of my heart thank you!!!!
Love you guys,
P.S. I decided to put pics Hank and his house and pics of Blowing Rock because it is a special place to me and I’m always thinking of Hank even though we are just friends. I will never forget what he’s done for me. He will always have a special place in my heart.