My Journey; My Path: The Next Chapter Day 85

Good morning. I got to sleep in today and it was wonderful. Yesterday was a great day at work for me. Sara and I talked about me and the door not being closed correctly. I thought I was getting written up. I naturally defended myself and I literally signed the paper she asked me to and I broke down and started to cry. I told her I had a lot going on outside work and she told me she was satisfied with me. She told me I was in my ninety days and I needed to be careful and not make mistakes. She wants me to grow. She wants me to succeed. I’m crying as I write this. It was so wonderful. She wants me to succeed. She wants to help me. I told her about my mom and the verbal abuse and manipulation and that was why I moved to Winston to start over. She told me what a great job I was doing. She and I went to the door and she showed me what happened and how to correct it. She didn’t judge me or belittle me. I am so used to being judged and criticised by other employers. I’m used to being judged and criticised period, but this was so refreshing. I’m learning how to deal with things differently and I’m finally in a place where I can do that. I posted on my Facebook I think it was yesterday I’m not sure, but anyway I posted about growing and that it’s not fun. Because growing isn’t fun, but growing is apart of life. We all have to grow and to change. I told Sara that I am trying to process things differently and not cry so much. That’s when I told her about my mom and all that. I had a customer to get upset. I found out that Sara went and talked to him. He came back and apologized twice. I forgave him and decided to move on. She told me she didn’t see me after it happened and she didn’t know if I was able to handle it or not or something like that and then when she saw me she said oh okay she’s fine or something like that. That’s when I told her the other stuff. I’ve changed so much. I’m still changing and I’m still growing. I’ve been through some hard shit and I’m still facing it. I have to get up everyday and fight. If I don’t I will go back to my “old self” and my “old life” and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to be the old me and I sure as hell don’t want my old life. I don’t want to be verbally abused and manipulated anymore.

Randy challenged me a little last night. I was talking about my mom to him and how she supported me when I was in school and stuff when I had quit my job at CVS. He told me something like it wasn’t all bad and it wasn’t all one sided or something. Well I started to doubt myself and think that what happened to me wasn’t real, but it was. I decided that Randy didn’t experience it and he wasn’t there so he doesn’t understand. He’s an outsider looking in. No one can fully understand it unless they’ve been through some type of abuse themselves. I’ve forgiven my mother for what she did, but may I just going to let her back in my life. Hell to the no. If I let her back in my life that means that what she did doesn’t matter and that what she did was okay and it’s not okay. I’ve made peace with the fact that she may never be in my life again. I’ve made peace with the fact that even though I forgave her that what she did was not okay. She doesn’t win and I lose. She doesn’t lose and I win. I forgave her so I could move on with my life and I have. I have done so many things without her and have become the person I was always meant to be and I’ve given up so much and have sacrificed so much. I am so proud of myself and a few months and even a few years ago I couldn’t say that. It’s a sign that I’m changing. Life is hard. It’s shitty and it’s messy. I have my good days. I have my shitty days. I have bad days. I have rough and hard days. The hard days are as hard as hell. But the good days are beautiful, wonderful, amazing, and just everything I could ever ask for. I have to enjoy the good days because it helps me to see that I’ve made it. I have something worth fighting for. I get up everyday and I fight. I fight for me so I can have a better life. I fight so I can be the best me possible. I fight so I don’t have so many bad days and that I make changes that are going to last a lifetime. I don’t want to be depressed and anxious. I don’t want to have PTSD episodes and live in fear, but I don’t have to. I take one day at a time and I fight tooth and nail and I think for the most part I have good days and I win and sometimes I have a bad day and I lose, but it’s not really about that. It’s not about winning and losing. It’s about at the end of the day that I fought for me. It’s about me fighting and saying, “Hey I’m still here. The light is at the end of the tunnel. I’ve made it. I’m here standing on my own two feet without any help.” I ask for help when I need it and sometimes even when I don’t need it, but I want it. I’m not saying I’m perfect because I’m not. I’ll never be. But I hope this inspires you to be the best you possible and the changes I’ve made are for me. I’m not making them because someone said I have to. When I look at myself. I see a beautiful, talented, smart, sexy woman who is BI and who believes in God. Even though I believe in God and all I am taking my time and figuring out what that means. I am taking my friend’s advice and I am following my heart. I am going to do what my heart tells me to do because it’s never lead me astray.

So I wish you a good day today and I am thinking of you guys always and I love you. I talk about you guys all the time. You are my family. You are apart of me and I am apart of you. I carry you with me always and I know you carry me with you always.

Take care and we’ll talk soon.

Love you guys,

Kathleen