Good morning. It didn’t start off that way, but it’s much better. Instead of bottling things up. I emailed Tyler and talked to him instead. I know he probably won’t see it for a while, but it’s okay. I am just proud of myself for talking about how I feel instead of bottling it. I was at work yesterday and I had a PTSD episode. There was a woman there that looked just like my mom when she was younger and it freaked me out. I told Tyler I have to get professional help because I can’t fight this. I don’t know what I’m fighting. I need some help. My health insurance will kick in next month and I’m going to go and get some counseling. My health insurance offers free 6 sessions so I’m going to take advantage of those. I’m also figuring out that this apartment and everything else is not a magic bullet that’s going to fix everything. I wish it would. I remember Tyler and I having this conversation, but today if finally hit me and I realized that it’s the truth. My paycheck isn’t what I thought it would be, but that’s okay. I get paid two other times in the month of June and I will pay my bills then. I’m not going to worry. Worry takes too much effort. Today is today and that’s the day I will focus on . I’m going to do some good today. I’ve also come to another realization. I am a Christian. I’ve been a Christian and have been saved since May 1998 so it’s been 19 years. I’ve been through a lot of shit. I’ve been through many seasons of happiness and growth and good times to bad times, shitty times, doubt, depression, anger, and giving up. Well I have been growing through a season of doubt again and this morning I realized that I love God and yes I seek him in the hard times, but I should be seeking him in the good times. He does love me and he does want my best interests. He has always had my best interests at heart. I don’t have to be perfect. He doesn’t expect it. I think I’ve listened to too many people and what they think God is and who he is and all that. I need to figure that out for myself. I told a friend of mine one time I said you know I’ve studied the Bible for myself and have found my own faith in the Lord which is true. So that’s what I need to do. I need to study the Bible and find my own faith in the Lord and find out who exactly God is and not listen to anyone else. I’m making peace with the fact that I can’t be BI and love God and that’s okay with me. I’m happy about that. I’m glad that I came out and I learned a lot. I won’t take that for granted, but I know what I want and I’m going after it with a vengeance and a fire that I’ve never had before. I’m tired of being worried and being in chains. I will experience freedom, but it’s not a one time thing. It’s a quick fix and then move onto the next thing. Freedom takes time. Chains take time to put on. Chains take years and years to be put on and freedom takes years and years to take off the chains. It may not be years for some, but for others it may be. For me it is going to be years because I’ve let myself for years to be in chains because I actually liked it. I wanted a sad sob story to tell, but others saw through it and I’m glad they did because they helped me to get to where I am now. So thank you… So I’m going to sit down today and I’m going to read my Bible and I’m going to talk to God. I love to journal and write as you guys know so I will talk to God and I’ll get back on track and I will find my way again.
I’m closing today and I looked to see who I’m closing with and I’m going to go in there and do what I can and I’m going to push and push to get sales goal today. I’m going to get goal today and I’m going to be tired and I’m going to be sore, but I’m going to do it. But I won’t do it alone. God will be there and he will help me. I’m his child. He loves me. He didn’t abandon me. I felt that he did, but he hasn’t. He never has and he never will. I’m on fire and I’m ready to move forward. I’m going to unpack my massage stuff and I’m going to study for the MBLEx and take it and pass it this time. I know I will. I’m also going to get my book ready and get that published as well. I need to get off my butt and do it. I’m ready. It’s ready for the world and I can’t wait for the world to see it.
That’s all for now. I’ll update you guys on everything. Take care and have a great day!!
Love you lots,