Good morning! Well today is the big day. I’m moving today. It’s Move In day. I can’t believe it’s here. I never thought it would get here. I can’t believe it. My roommates all gave me a great send off. Tyler and Michael prepared dinner and everyone got me a gift. Randy, Pat, and Corrie Malone are not here, but it was Tyler, Michael, Corey Erba, and Amy Fitzgerald. I had an amazing night with them. I’m going to miss living with them, but I know in my heart that I made the right choice to get my own place. It’s amazing isn’t it how much can change. I moved into two and a half months ago with nothing and a broken heart. I thought I wasn’t good enough, my self-esteem was for shit, and the list could go on. But now I have a family here that loves me and supports me. I have a family that accepts me for me and for the first time I know who I am and I will not change. I have family that I have built and relationships that I want around me. You guys are included in this family. Thank you for supporting me, loving me, encouraging me, and reaching out to me when I need you most. I love you so much.
Yesterday was a rough day at work. I didn’t make goal. We were so close. But I am satisfied that I did everything I could. I am sore this morning, but that’s okay. I am happy and I am like I said satisfied that I did everything I could. I aggravated my foot again yesterday, but I made through. I finally got the deposit for the power to be turned on yesterday. Tyler let me borrow the money. I have to pay him back, but I’m so grateful. I had such a problem with it so when I got off last night Tyler and I got it done and I have power for today. I’m so excited. I’ll be going around one to get my keys and move in. I’m going to give her a check for the rent and I’ll be done. I’m so excited. Life is awesome.
When I get paid Friday I’ll have to buy some dishes and what not. For now I’ll have to eat out, but I know where I can go to get food and it not make me sick. I found a place where I can use the internet till I get mine in my apartment. Things are finally falling into place. I know that this won’t fix everything in my life, but it will be great to have a place where it is mine and it will be less chaotic and it is will be a constant in my life. I need somewhere where it is peaceful and I can figure out other things in my life. It is amazing to me how much has changed in my life. I’ve talked about this before, but that’s the thing. Things are always changing. My life right now has been nothing, but change and growing and more change and more growing. The change I thought would be hard and it is, but the growing. The growing is so painful and it is raw. You can change, but if you are not growing too the change won’t last, but maybe a week or two and then you have to keep changing and keep growing so it will last. I know for myself I want to change and keep changing. I want to grow and keep growing. I’ve become the person I’ve always wanted to be. I am single (maybe not for long), beautiful, strong, talented, smart, wonderful, amazing, powerful, inspiring, considerate, charming, funny, lovely, passionate, compassionate, awesome, encouraging, and I am BI. Being BI is the biggest change and I’m still not sure sometimes what that means. I came out back in April of 2017. I’ve only been out for a month. I’ve only told my roommates and now I have decided to tell you. I know that it doesn’t mean that you’ll love me any less. I’m just still not sure about it. That’s why I didn’t tell you guys right away and second I didn’t want to label myself, but I feel comfortable sharing that with you guys because one you love me and accept me and two I know you will be honest with me and open and third you guys will understand where I am coming from because you know me so well. Writing is where I can express my true self. I am just careful about who I let into my family that I’ve built and that’s because of past experience. I’ve learned the hard way who I can trust and what relationships I need to have. I’ve told you guys have Angelo. He’s the guy I met on the dating website called Okcupid and no we haven’t ever met, but we connected very quickly and I was honest with him that I didn’t want to date an older man. He got very defensive and I can understand why. So I came back and I was very open and honest with him and he was like wow. We emailed each other, but it wasn’t till recently that I started to think about him and I decided to reach out to him. We are planning on getting together soon. Now what’s going to happen. The hell if I know. Will I tell him I’m BI? Probably not. I haven’t even told my parents or my sisters. I haven’t told anyone in my immediately family because I am still not sure. I am sure that I am gay, but I’m not sure what that looks like for me and I want to take my time with it and I want to be sure. This is something that’s very important to me and you guys know me well enough that when it is something serious I take my time because in the past I’ve rushed before and I ended up getting hurt with my foot and was out of work for four months and then just recently I hurt my foot at work and had to leave early so no more rushing for me. I do push myself hard to get things done, but that’s because I don’t push myself enough. I get lazy and I want to be the best person I can be. I strive everyday to live like it’s my last day. I wrote about some of this in my piece called “The Best of Me” and that’s very important to me that I strive to be the best person I can be, to be the best me possible. I want to inspire others to do the same and I have. I am very happy and humbled by that. I don’t let it go to my head. That may sound proud, but it’s not I assure you. I take one day at a time and I don’t worry about tomorrow. There is no sense in it. Tomorrow hasn’t happened so why worry. Yes I think you should plan for another day, but you shouldn’t depend on it because you don’t know if it will happen. I am glad that I get another day today. I am so grateful. My life is exactly what I want it to be right now. It’s not where I want to be. I know that eventually I will go to school and my life will be somewhere else, but for now it is in Winston-Salem with my family that I have taken the time to build. I am super excited about that. I truly am.
Thank you guys for allowing me the space to be honest and open with you about all of this. I hope when you read this you’re not like oh my god it’s so long, but I hope you do read it all and that encourages you to do something with your life. Whether it’s going to school or fixing a broken relationship in your life, or getting out of a negative toxic environment I just hope this post helps you to see the “real” you. I can’t wait to see where this part of my journey/ my path takes me, but I know it will be exciting and full of adventure and full of fun. It will also be hard, full of shitty days and bad days, but wonderful, amazing, and healing. Thank you for loving me, supporting me, encouraging me, for being there, and for having my back. You are my family and I wouldn’t be here without you so thank you! From the bottom of my heart thank you. I hold you in my heart today as I move and I will see you guys again soon when I do my next post.
I’ll update you guys tomorrow on the move and how it went. Keep me in your thoughts, say a prayer, give me some loving vibes and some of your positive energy. I have a feeling I’m going to need it today.
Have a great day and we’ll talk soon.
Love you guys to the moon and back…