Good morning! How are you guys? I’m doing good. I’m feeling much better. Little by little this crud is leaving my system and I’m feeling better. Thank God! So today is Mother’s Day. I just know today is going to be hard. I used to celebrate it with my mother, but given what’s happened between us I won’t be calling or talking to her. It breaks my heart. It really does, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I will have to have extra compassion and empathy for myself today. I will get there and we will be mother and daughter again, but I don’t know if that will happen or when that will happen. If it doesn’t ever happen that’s okay. I’m really okay. I pick up my phone to see if she called and she hasn’t. I can’t remember the last time she called. I think it was a while back about my car registration and that was it. She didn’t say I love you or anything. She told me about the car registration and said bye. I think she’s hurt that I’m not talking to her, but she is the one that Verbal Abused me and manipulated me. She has to accept what she’s done. But I think you and I both know that she never will. The abuser hardly ever accepts what they’ve done and tells you they are sorry. If you wait for them to do that you are going to be waiting your whole life. It will just never happen. I’ve had to make peace with that and I’m okay with it. I really am. That’s huge for me and I’m so proud of myself.
Today I’m working with Sara my manager. I’m opening and closing the store. Sundays we are only open for a few hours so this should be a very short day. I’m happy about that. I get off at six thirty so I’m coming home to do laundry hopefully and to write some. I want to write my play The Walking Mob, but I think I might some and edit some of my book The Fear of Abandonment. I like the title. I thought of changing it, but I can’t think of what I want to change it to. I really like it a lot. I have a note on my cork board of the total chapters for the book and how much more I have to edit. I’m going to have to re-write several chapters and then I will go back through once I’ve edited everything for the first time and do it a second time just to make sure it’s what I want. I love it. It’s going to take a while, but that’s okay. I want it just right. I want it be what I want it to be and I don’t want to lose the heart of the story.
So I want to be honest and open with you guys about something. So I was in the kitchen waiting for my water to boil so I could make my coffee and I was thinking about something. I journaled about it this morning. It’s about Michael. Michael is Tyler’s partner and the man he’s going to marry. I love Michael I really do. I was thinking about why we can’t get along. So I want to share my journal entry with you. I think this will give an idea of my thoughts on him and how I feel. I also have other thoughts in there as well that contribute to my feelings.
So here it is:
When I was out in the kitchen and I was trying to figure out why Michael and I can’t get along. We aren’t very similar at all. I think he’s very maniplative and he can put others down. I don’t like that he puts down Tyler’s dad and Tyler doesn’t say anything. I really like his dad. His dad helped me to be able to forgive my mother so I could move on my life. Michael also has a tendency to be negative. He kind of reminds me of my mother and my sister Megan. I think Michael and I are just too different. He hasn’t made much effort toward our friendship. I’ve tried. I haven’t tried very hard mind you. I just feel like everytime I talk to him that I’m stepping on eggshells. I never know what to say. Sometimes he’s fine and sometimes he’s not. I know he’s jealous of my relationship with Tyler. I just know it. It’s the way he acts when Tyler and I are together or just talking and stuff. When I told Tyler about my feelings for women back in January Michael just… I don’t know. It’s like ever since then we haven’t gotten along. Althought a while back I was talking with Tyler and Michael about something. I think it was work and Michael told me he was impressed by me. He said something about how since the time he met in Boone last year in June that I changed so much. I feel like I have. But I was surprised to hear him say it. I have my issues please don’t get me wrong, but he does too. I think the thing that I don’t like is that Michael can’t take a compliment. I would compliment him and he just wouldn’t take it. I don’t know why. There are things going on with him. I just can’t get to him. He kind of reminds me of my old self. I used to put up so many walls that no one could see. No one could get to me. But those walls are coming down. Michael I think puts up a front and masks. I do it too, but slowly and surely they are coming down. I’ve tried to treat others how I want to be treated, but it’s just so hard to with Michael. Michael is one of the reasons I’m moving out as well. It’s the main reason, but since Tyler and I have talked it’s become one of the minor reasons. I just can’t connect with him and that’s okay. I have to make peace with that somehow. Honestly I don’t think him and Tyler will make it down the asile. I think they are incompabile, but I think that’s based on how I feel about Michael. Honestly I think Tyler and Adam are more suited and should be together. I would love to see them get back together, but that’s just my opinion and second I don’t think it will happen. Adam is happy being by himself and I am happy for him. I love Adam so much. If it weren’t for Adam there wouldn’t be a move to Winston. Don’t get me wrong. Michael and I have had moments where we connected, but lately it’s a struggle and I just have to let it go. I’m not going to connect with everyone I meet and it just bothers me when I can’t connect with someone. But I can’t force it. I think things will be fine once I move out. I think because of what happened with John and Corey when they moved out that Michael is putting up a wall to protect himself which is fine and I understand why, but that doesn’t do anything for our friendship, but there’s nothing I can do about that. I’m going to do my own stuff when I leave here. I’m going to do my budget the way I want and do what I want. I appreciate Tyler and what he’s done for me with that. I really am. I just think it’s best to do it the way I feel comfortable doing it and how it helps me. Doing it with this other spreadsheet has just added more stress to me and I can’t handle it. I’m going to be honest with him about that when we get together for our next budget meeting. I’m just glad to be getting a place of my own because then I can hang out with Adam at my place or we can go out together and I can afford to take him out for dinner and completely treat him. Adam’s a good guy. He really is. He’s not as snotty as people thinks he is. He’s changed a lot since I first met him. He seems at peace and he looks well. I’m so proud of him. I also think moving out will do wonders for Tyler’s and I relationship. It might be a while before I can visit the farm. I will come and see Randy, but I need to get away from here. Honestly I feel like I’m back in Asheboro all over again. I hate it and I didn’t expect that, but there it is. I’m just open and honest. That’s the most honest I’ve been about the whole situation. I wouldn’t dare tell Tyler or Michael though. I couldn’t do that. Michael is Tyler’s partner and I want to respect him even though we can’t get along. I think Michael’s doing it on purpose. Michael hasn’t tried to make me feel welcome at the farm. Tyler’s done all the work. Amy is just there and I never see her. We hang out sometimes, but she keeps herself to herself and I just feel I can’t relate to her either. I think Corey Erba and Greg are more suited to live here because they love it here and will contribute to the farm and what’s going on. I love the farm and I support Tyler’s dream. I just do it in a different way and honestly I don’t like living in a house with other people. It’s not for me. I’m incompatible when it comes to people. I would rather do my own thing and I am more comfortable with that. Living in a common house is not for me. It’s not for a lot of people, but you don’t know until you try it out.
I know it’s a lot, but this how I feel. I just can’t understand, but I’ve decided to make peace with the fact that Michael and I won’t get along. I won’t let that affect my relationship with Tyler. Tyler is my best friend and I love him. I will support Tyler in whatever he wants to do even if I don’t agree with it. I just can’t support his being with Michael, but I think a lot of that has to do with how I feel about Michael which I explained that in my journaling. Feel free to weigh in on this and tell me what you think.
Like I said Michael is one of the reason that I am very sure that I need to move out. I just don’t know how to act toward him in the meantime. I’m not stepping on eggshells just to make him happy. I won’t do it for him or anyone else.
Well that’s all for now. I will update you on the apartment stuff. Work is going great. Today is day 6 and I’m so excited. It’s been a wonderful experience. I’m so happy. I really am. I’m learning more about my job and I will get there. I think by Wednesday I’ll be fine to close by myself. I’m just going to learn as much as I can and ask questions and just take one day at a time.
Have a great day and I love you guys. We’ll talk to soon.
Remember you are never alone!