Good morning. How’s everyone this morning?! I’m good. I got woke up by my roommates, but I decided not to say anything and just try and go back to bed. I did manage to get some sleep so I’m not making a big deal out of it. Besides the last time I did say something and it fell on deaf ears so why bother. Besides I might be moving out soon. I have to drop off my apartment application tomorrow. I’m very excited about that.
I had a moment of growth this morning. I journaled about it this morning. I’ll share it with you. Here it is:
The whole crew was up this morning and I didn’t bother to say anything. I just took some medicine because my head hurt and I went back to bed. I didn’t manage to get some sleep. I’m like why do I bother to work so hard to be considerate when they are not considerate of me, but you know what one I’m leaving soon and second it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because I am a considerate person and that’s my nature. It’s who I am and I wouldn’t change it. So I get up and go into the kitchen to get some coffee and there is none. Michael and I talk for a second. I walk away and go to my room because I’m about to say something which I don’t want to. So I calmed down and went back. Michael had ground the coffee beans and fixed hot water for me. I thought he was mad at me so I told him thank you and that I hoped he wasn’t made and I said I was sorry. He asked me why and I said because I had walked away and he said I was fine. So I walked away after getting my stuff I went to my room and I broke down. I’m not sure why I cried. Michael came in and told me he wasn’t mad at me. I told him I didn’t know why I was upset. He hugged me and told me he wasn’t mad. He started to do a funny dance and sing and it made me feel better. That was a big deal for me. I would never have done that before. I would have just never said anything and wondered all day if he was mad at me. But it means I’m growing and that Michael and I are building trust toward each other. Well actually I’m building trust toward him and I’m realizing more and more that it’s all in my head. Yay for me. I’m so excited. I’m happy for this moment of growth!!
Isn’t this amazing?! I’m very proud of myself for the way I handled it. It’s a sign of growth. I’m very excited about that. I also realized when I was journaling that I have lived in Winston-Salem for two months. I’m so very excited about that. I can’t believe it’s been two months!! It’s so very exciting. So much has happened and so much more will happen and I’m so excited about my life. I finally feel like I’m living my own life. I’m writing my own story for the first time and it’s mine. I am the heroine and not the victim of my own life. Yes I am a victim and survivor of Verbal Abuse and manipulation, but I am not a victim. I survived, but I can move forward with my life and I am free to be me. I am happy and I am free. I am free of the abuse. I am free of everything and it feels fucking awesome. I feel like I am the master of my own ship. I feel like I’m the drummer of my own drum. I could go on. I am so happy.
I’m writing another play today. I started yesterday. I finished one already. It’s going to be a book called My Knight. It’s a fictional story about me, but only in the sense that it’s about the feelings I had been working through at the time. This one I’m writing now is the same kind of thing. It’s called The Walking Mob. I’m currently writing The Walking Mob book, but I decided to write a play. Plays for me are easier to write. But in the end I will write the books and I will be happy because they will get published and I will be happy about that.
I’m working today. I’m closing again. I’m figuring things out and working through my old patterns and figuring out those. My co-workers are really awesome. They are so helpful and they are understanding and they have helped me to work through things. It’s amazing. I am finding slowly, but surely I can do this. I can handle this I just have to believe in myself because others believe in me. They are willing to teach me and help me to figure this stuff out. All my life I have wanted to be in management. I just wanted someone to give me a chance and now it’s happening. I’m so excited. I am very excited. Work is not a burden it’s a joy. Each day brings something new and something new to learn. I will find my way. I will be fine. I don’t have to report to anyone except the manager and the assistant manager and I can just jump in somewhere and start working and helping. I am not a cashier even though I do help the cashier. But what I mean is that I’m not at the bottom of the totem pole so to speak. I am finally at the first step of the management leader. My hard work of having 4 years in retail is finally paying off. It’s so nice.
Well that’s all my thoughts for now. I’ll keep you updated on the apartment and my job. I’m very excited you guys. Have a great day and thank you so much for you love and support and encouragement and hanging in there with me.
Love you guys,