The Goodbye Ceremony

Today I said goodbye to my mother. I let her go. I am happy and free. I can’t help, but feel sad. I don’t want to, but I feel what I feel. I am happy to have this burden off my shoulder. I never have to pick it up again. I am so glad. I didn’t realize how heavy it is. I wrote two pieces for the actual ceremony and then I wrote one afterward. I want to share them with you. I think you will enjoy them.

The first two pieces are for the actual ceremony. Here they are:

“I Am Forgiving You”

Dedicated to Letting Go of My mother and the verbal abuse that I suffered at her hand and forgiving her.

I am forgiving you. I am forgiving you for the verbal abuse I suffered at your hand.

I am forgiving you for being a bitch to me.

I am forgiving you for the fights and arguments we had, and moments of weakness on my part.

I am forgiving you for turning your back on me.

I am forgiving you for betraying me.

I am forgiving you for stabbing me in the back.

I am forgiving you for not loving me.

I am forgiving you for not helping me.

I am forgiving you for judging Tyler and Michael because they are gay.

I am forgiving you for not supporting my dreams and my move to Winston-Salem.

I am forgiving you for hating me.

I am forgiving you for making me feel guilty about stuff all the time.

I am forgiving you for manipulating me.

I am forgiving you for messing with my mind.

I am forgiving you for ruining our family.

I am forgiving you for the abuse my sisters and my father suffered at your hand as well.

I am forgiving you for the tears I’ve cried because you.

I am forgiving you for making me feel bad when I didn’t apologize to you for something I didn’t do.

I am forgiving you for the times I did apologize.

I am forgiving you for the times you didn’t apologize to me and even when you did it was just empty words. I am forgiving you for that.

I am forgiving you for the times when we didn’t have money to eat and you yelled and made me feel bad about that when it was out of my control.

Most of all I am forgiving you for me.

I am forgiving you so I can move forward with my life and my future.

My future’s so bright and it’s beautiful.

I am forgiving you and I am laying this burden down. I can’t carry this anymore. I won’t. I just won’t.

I am forgiving you. Yes I am forgiving you.

“Today”

Dedicating this to the ceremony of letting my mother go. Companion poem to “I Am Forgiving You”. Both written for this Ceremony.

Grandfather Tree:

Today I let you go.

Today I am free of you.

Today I say goodbye.

I hope one day we can be mother and daughter again. I don’t know if that will happen.

I don’t think I’m ready for that. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.

Today I am forgiving you and I am moving forward with my life.

Today I am letting all this go.

Today I am letting you go for good and moving on with my life.

Today I lay this burden down and I will never pick it up again. It is just so heavy and I can’t wait to let it go.

Today I let go of you and the verbal abuse I suffered at your hand.

Today I let it all go.

Immateria:

Today I let you go.

Today I say goodbye.

Today I am free.

Today I am filled with joy.

Today I lay this burden down and I am happy. I am free. I am free indeed.

Today is a good day.

Today is a day I forgive you for myself and I move forward with my life and my future.

Today I am setting myself free.

I lay down this burden to pick it up no longer.

I lay this down and I am glad. It is heavy. It is so fucking heavy.

To My Mother:

I love you. Please don’t think I don’t. But I must let you go. I must forgive you for me so I can move on with my life. I still care for you, but I must leave you. I must let you go. I am hoping one day we can be mother and daughter again, but I am prepared that that may never happen.

I am the light of hope.

I am the light at the end of the tunnel.

I am whatever I want to be.

I am free.

I am happy.

I let you go in peace.

I let you go.

Goodbye. Goodbye mom.

Grandmother Tree:

Offered a blessing to her and to God.

This is the pieces I wrote after the Ceremony:

“I Am Free”

Dedicated to myself. I am free to be me.

I am Free

I am free to be me.  

I said goodbye to my mother.

I said goodbye to a part of myself.

I couldn’t be happier.

I can’t help, but feel sad, but I don’t want to nor should I, but I feel what I feel.

I feel free.

I really do. It’s wonderful. It really is.

I let go of this burden.

It is so heavy. It’s more heavy than I realized.

I’m so happy.

I’m so free.

I am so wonderful.

I am gay, light, and happy.

I am everything I need to be.

I am not afraid anymore.

I am calm.

I am still.

I am light.

I am hope.

I am love.

I am beautiful.

I am powerful.

I am majestic.

I am free.

I am free indeed.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for loving me, supporting me, and encouraging me on my journey and my path. This is just another part of that. Now I can move forward with my future and move forward with my life. I am so happy. I think I am sad because I will miss her. I will her very much and I still love and care for her, but we can’t be together now. We have to say goodbye and I have. I truly have.

Love,

Kathleen

P.S. I include a picture of my mom and me on a day trip to Wilmington and we walked the beach together. It’s my last happy memory of her.

0305161546

 

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14 thoughts on “The Goodbye Ceremony

  1. K,

    I’m finally caught up on your blog! Haha, it took me a while, but I am finally current.

    Wow, you’ve been through a lot these past couple months. Moving, mom drama, new jobs, interviews, a crabby boss…..and so much more.

    You are grace under fire, lady. Glad we are WP buds. I wish you lots of love and peace during this transitional time in your life. I can relate to you with your mom stuff so well. And I had to do the exact same thing years ago. I had to let her go because it was the only way to get rid of the negative energy I had from the pain she caused me.

    I think that’s why I like your blog so much. You share real stuff (I strive to, I fail, haha!), and I recognize some of your familial challenges. I look at your life and I thank God that I walked away from my mother when I did, which was a VERY long time ago, but I harbored anger toward her for a long time. She died in 2009 and I can’t even explain the freedom I felt, but I had forgiven her before that.

    I will keep following and rooting for you! I’m not always here, but I will catch up if I’m gone for too long.

    Godspeed, you.

    Hugs

    JM

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am happy to know that you are free of any burden. You were not meant to carry anyone. You are free dear Kathleen. I am really sorry for what you had to go through with your mum. It’s all over and it’s time to be happy again. You deserve it and a lot more.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Congratulations for letting of the burden and I’m so sorry for the heart breaks you were put through!

    What’s done is done and all the best for a happier tomorrow!

    Ps:- you look lovely in the photo!

    Liked by 1 person

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